Signs

Across the nation, faculty are (even as we speak) settling in at coffee shops and burger joints to perform one of academia's most sacrosanct rituals: grading final exams.  To outsiders, this ritual frequently appears to involve a number of esoteric utterances and gestures--some of which seem odd enough to warrant giving the academic in question a wide berth.  But fear not.  Allow me to interpret some of the more frequent elements of the ritual in question:

• Deep sighs, possibly accompanied by a pronounced slump.  Depending on whether it comes at the beginning or at the end of the grading ritual, the sigh/slump combination may indicate either a) despairing anticipation (or the anticipation of despair) or b) profound exhaustion.
• Squinting.  Brought on by undergraduate handwriting.
• Ejaculations of "Did I really say that?" followed by looks of horror and/or resignation.  Usually means that the academic has discovered, once again, that authorial intent means nothing when it comes to lectures.  (Such revelations may bring on moments of existential anguish.)
• "Huh."  While outsiders may regard this as a non-commital noise, in reality it indicates that the student has said something extremely interesting.  But see below.
• "Huh?!" In this variant, the student has also said something interesting--but interesting only because it's so utterly baffling.
• Loud guffaws.  Never a good sign. 
• Raised eyebrows, accompanied by a "hrrm."  Roughly equivalent to "huh" (with period, not question mark-exclamation point), but usually signals stronger approbation.
• Long stare, followed by rapid shuffling of exams, followed by another long stare.  Indicates that the academic has, oddly enough, seen that answer before...
• Holds bluebook upside down, shakes it hard, then looks at it again.  These gestures, while not really an approved part of the ritual, generally signify that the academic cannot make sense of the words on the page; according to popular superstition, shaking the essay will rearrange the words on the page. 
• Loud cry of "Yes!" The ritual is finally complete. 

Comments

[Overread]

I haven't even been doing this that long, but I already know each one of those actions far too well :)

[JR]

And once the ritual is complete, do you go back and make sure that you were using the same standards at the end that you were at the beginning? Do you group all the A's, B's, etc. and review them a second time to make sure that they are of about the same quality and that you didn't adjust your standards as you went along? Does a colleague review a sample of your exams to make sure that you are generally in line with departmental and university-wide standards? If another faculty member is grading exams from another section of the same course, do you exchange exam books and review each other's work to insure consistency and fairness?

No. I didn't think so. You don't know anything at all about quality control and you don't think it's important. You give arbitrary marks and you don't even recognize that you're being arbitrary because no one has ever shown you what consistency means. You work for institutions that charge these kids $20,000 to $40,000 a year and you have less in the way of institutional controls on your work product than H&R Block.

[Josh]

Wow, a commentor who doesn't know about Freshman Comp portfolios. Mazel tov on having Made It Through, Dr. B.

[Dee]

Hilarious! Thank you. Maybe submit to a teaching carnival or grading carnival or something? it deserves a wide audience.