English Professors vs. Cats: A Serious Evaluation

1.  CATS: Sleep for eighteen hours per day; hunt mice/insects/birds/toys/their own tails for the other six.

ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Sleep for eight hours per day; read/write/grade/teach/deal with students/gossip with colleagues/feed cats (hmm)/spend time with family/etc./etc./etc. the other sixteen.

NOTES: Cats have far more leisure time and far fewer responsibilities.

ADVANTAGE: Cats.

2.  CATS: Wear soft fur coats at all times.

ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Wear black at all times.

NOTES: Fur is inconvenient during the summer, but black suggests an inability to coordinate colors.

ADVANTAGE: Draw.

3.   CATS:  Standard conversation: "Meow meow urr urrrRRRrrr meow!"

ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Standard conversation: "Under the reign of transnationalist capitalism, the normative discursive structures of the English classroom have been subsumed by neo-Fordian practices."

NOTES: The average human is more likely to understand the cat.

ADVANTAGE: Cats.

4.  CATS: Demand attention from their humans at inconvenient moments.

ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Demand attention from their department chairs at inconvenient moments.

NOTES: The cats are cuter, but the English professor may obtain more money with which to support the cats.

ADVANTAGE: English professors, by a small margin.

5.  CATS: May have their picture posted on Cute Overload.

ENGLISH PROFESSORS: May receive chili peppers at Rate My Professor.

NOTES: Cats are unable to appreciate the honor in question.

ADVANTAGE: English professors.

6.  CATS: Become annoyed if their humans deviate from well-established routines.

ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Become annoyed if their administration deviates from well-established routines.

NOTES: Ultimately, the cats have an easier time adjusting.

ADVANTAGE: Cats.

7.    CATS: May depart for a new residence if their humans refuse to behave appropriately.

ENGLISH PROFESSORS: May depart for a new university if their administrations/colleagues refuse to behave appropriately.

NOTES: The cats can depart with considerably less effort, not to mention less paperwork.

ADVANTAGE: Cats.

8.  CATS: Presume that humans will obey orders.

ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Presume that students will obey orders.

NOTES: The cat is usually correct in its assessment of the situation.

ADVANTAGE: Cats, definitely.

9.  CATS: Defend themselves with claws and teeth.

ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Defend themselves with pens and pixels.  And, occasionally, teeth.

NOTES: Claws are more painful, but words have longer-lasting effects.

ADVANTAGE: English professors.

10.  CATS: Insist on eating only one kind of food, at one particular hour of the day, at one specific location in the kitchen.

ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Insist on teaching only one section of Brit Lit II, at one particular hour of the day, at one specific location in the office building.

NOTES: Cats generally get their way in these matters.

ADVANTAGE: Cats.

Comments

[Puplet]

Do English profs always wear black? I thought brown tweed was the staple... Now, if you could felt cat fur and turn it into a jacket - that might give an extra point to humans.

[Poetry]

14 June 2007

Of Fly Catchers and hidden lakes.

Of sleeping lizards and morning dew.

It is of birdsong and misty dawns

and fleeced clouds floating in a still pool.

The waters ripple awake in the gathering morn.

The first water birds head out for the far shore.

[intertext]

That is wonderful! Thank you.

[Bardiac]

Brilliant! :)

[timna]

what fun!

[fluti31415]

English professors who own cats generally wear cat fur over their black, though.

[kpli]

great post and i've bookmarked it...it's very helpful and fresh...u should write a book lol ;) with this kind of writing style..people are gonna love it...