1. CATS: Sleep for eighteen hours per day; hunt mice/insects/birds/toys/their own tails for the other six.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Sleep for eight hours per day; read/write/grade/teach/deal with students/gossip with colleagues/feed cats (hmm)/spend time with family/etc./etc./etc. the other sixteen.
NOTES: Cats have far more leisure time and far fewer responsibilities.
ADVANTAGE: Cats.
2. CATS: Wear soft fur coats at all times.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Wear black at all times.
NOTES: Fur is inconvenient during the summer, but black suggests an inability to coordinate colors.
ADVANTAGE: Draw.
3. CATS: Standard conversation: "Meow meow urr urrrRRRrrr meow!"
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Standard conversation: "Under the reign of transnationalist capitalism, the normative discursive structures of the English classroom have been subsumed by neo-Fordian practices."
NOTES: The average human is more likely to understand the cat.
ADVANTAGE: Cats.
4. CATS: Demand attention from their humans at inconvenient moments.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Demand attention from their department chairs at inconvenient moments.
NOTES: The cats are cuter, but the English professor may obtain more money with which to support the cats.
ADVANTAGE: English professors, by a small margin.
5. CATS: May have their picture posted on Cute Overload.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: May receive chili peppers at Rate My Professor.
NOTES: Cats are unable to appreciate the honor in question.
ADVANTAGE: English professors.
6. CATS: Become annoyed if their humans deviate from well-established routines.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Become annoyed if their administration deviates from well-established routines.
NOTES: Ultimately, the cats have an easier time adjusting.
ADVANTAGE: Cats.
7. CATS: May depart for a new residence if their humans refuse to behave appropriately.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: May depart for a new university if their administrations/colleagues refuse to behave appropriately.
NOTES: The cats can depart with considerably less effort, not to mention less paperwork.
ADVANTAGE: Cats.
8. CATS: Presume that humans will obey orders.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Presume that students will obey orders.
NOTES: The cat is usually correct in its assessment of the situation.
ADVANTAGE: Cats, definitely.
9. CATS: Defend themselves with claws and teeth.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Defend themselves with pens and pixels. And, occasionally, teeth.
NOTES: Claws are more painful, but words have longer-lasting effects.
ADVANTAGE: English professors.
10. CATS: Insist on eating only one kind of food, at one particular hour of the day, at one specific location in the kitchen.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Insist on teaching only one section of Brit Lit II, at one particular hour of the day, at one specific location in the office building.
NOTES: Cats generally get their way in these matters.
ADVANTAGE: Cats.
Do English profs always wear black? I thought brown tweed was the staple... Now, if you could felt cat fur and turn it into a jacket - that might give an extra point to humans.
Posted by: Puplet | June 15, 2007 at 05:53 AM
14 June 2007
Of Fly Catchers and hidden lakes.
Of sleeping lizards and morning dew.
It is of birdsong and misty dawns
and fleeced clouds floating in a still pool.
The waters ripple awake in the gathering morn.
The first water birds head out for the far shore.
Posted by: Poetry | June 15, 2007 at 07:52 AM
That is wonderful! Thank you.
Posted by: intertext | June 16, 2007 at 01:25 PM
Brilliant! :)
Posted by: Bardiac | June 19, 2007 at 01:59 AM
what fun!
Posted by: timna | June 21, 2007 at 10:34 AM
English professors who own cats generally wear cat fur over their black, though.
Posted by: fluti31415 | June 22, 2007 at 09:41 AM
great post and i've bookmarked it...it's very helpful and fresh...u should write a book lol ;) with this kind of writing style..people are gonna love it...
Posted by: kpli | December 28, 2007 at 02:37 AM
I was searching the web for anything related to cats and I found this page...It's hilarious,I've bookmarked it and I will show it to my friends,they will enjoy it for sure;]
Posted by: Ustka Noclegi | July 20, 2008 at 08:56 AM
Great.
That is wonderful! Thank you.
Posted by: Ustka | August 21, 2008 at 03:52 PM
Cats are way better.
Posted by: Joe the Dog Lover | September 09, 2008 at 02:44 PM
I disagree that English Professor has the advantage in #9 because "words have longer lasting effects." Words only matter if one reads the said words. Cats do not read. In combat with cats, the English Professor would be vanquished.
Posted by: twitter.com/moonflyrepublic | October 29, 2009 at 01:45 PM
No, no Puplet. You're thinking of Algebra teachers. I left mine when Mr. Brown Tweed used his saliva to make thumb-print pool on syllabus and handed it to me.
Posted by: Uninvoked | November 12, 2009 at 01:46 PM