Hazards of Academic Regalia: A Serious Consideration

(N.B.: The following applies to full Ph.D. regalia only.)

• There's a high risk of being stabbed by someone else's mortarboard.
• In high winds, mortarboards may fly off and accidentally pin an innocent onlooker to the nearest tree.
• Graduation season frequently causes a local shortage of bobby pins. 
• Mortarboard hair.
• Unwitting faculty may aspirate their tassels, necessitating immediate application of the Heimlich Maneuver.
• An inability to keep one's tassel in place may lead to unforeseen emotional breakdowns.
• The bagginess of academic robes may tempt faculty to use them to conceal books, exams, XBoxes, or a picnic setting for four.  The administration takes a negative view of such things. 
• An unknown number of faculty die every year after being strangled by their hoods.
• Flapping robes may make faculty bear an uncomfortable resemblance to something out of The Crow.
• Woolen robes + summer temperatures = heat stroke.
• The price of full regalia may require new Ph.D.s to take out a second mortgage.
• Cheap rental regalia may be semi-transparent; faculty should be sure to wear actual clothes, lest students and colleagues see more than might be considered desirable.

Comments

[undine]

The alternative to aspirating the tassel is to turn your head quickly and smack yourself in the eye with it.

[Vance Maverick]

An unknown number of faculty die every year after being strangled by their hoods.

I believe this number is actually known -- it was one, ever, specifically Isadora Duncan, when she received her Dr. honoris causa.

[Angela Gordon]

HA! This is hysterical and so true! We had Commencement last weekend and between the standing and sitting for the different portions of the program, I did nearly strangle myself!

BTW, my regalia cost $800. I just about cried, but I was at the point where I was willing to pay anything to graduate!

[Kaitlin]

Heh. This reminds me of my undergraduate graduation. I was receiving an award, so I got to march in with the President's Party. When I went to the bathroom, there were some professors in there trying to adjust their caps - not the mortarboards, but the beefeater/beret types. One of them grumbled as she tried to arrange it on her head - "It's so obvious these things were invented by a man!"

[Raymond Barley]

To the list of hazards, may I respectfully add the risk certain colored hoods pose to sensitive, young, male psyches? Upon beginning my doctoral studies, I was forced to choose a degree track: Ph.D. (traditional royal blue hood) or D.M.A. (Doctor of Musical Arts-bright, manly, pink hood.
I think I'm a bit more comfortable with my royal blue hood than I would have been with that nice, bright, pink one. ;)
Ray