[The following is a work of fiction. Only the final discovery is real. Any resemblance to the LP's behavior in the department office is entirely accidental.]
LP: It's 12:30 PM! I must check the mail for goodies!
[Skips merrily down the hall to the office, startling several innocent undergraduates.]
BWAHAHA! It's...a book box!
[Does celebratory dance while the fictional work-study student looks on in understandable bemusement.]
Whatever could have arrived for me today? Let's see...
OBSTACLE #1--TAPE
[The box has been swathed in at least six layers of shipping tape.]
I need longer fingernails. [Attempts to peel off tape.] Is this a book, or a mummy? [Struggles frantically, knocking colleague's photocopies off the counter in the process.] I must have this book, or...or...I'll spend the rest of the day in my office, crying and eating Les Petits Ecoliers! And the Laws of Academic Calories do not apply! [Attacks tape with teeth, scaring a colleague who wanders in at the same moment.]
WORK-STUDY STUDENT: Um, Dr. LP...have you considered...scissors?
LP: Brilliant! [Assaults tape with scissors, but there's so much that the scissors can barely penetrate it.] To the last, I grapple with thee; from Hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee! [Stabs desperately at the package.]
VOICE OF WILLIAM SHATNER: KHAAAAAAN!
[They all stare at each other for a moment, then shrug.]
LP: I have it! The game is done, I've won, I've won!
[She opens the box, to reveal...]
OBSTACLE #2--SHIPPING PEANUTS
LP: There has to be a book in here somewhere. [Paws through shipping peanuts, which spill onto the floor.]
RANDOM FICTIONAL COLLEAGUE: Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...
LP: Uh-huh. [Keeps looking for the book.] I think I'm being attacked. [Tries to detach peanuts from hair, fingers, and clothing, to no avail.] What are these, styrofoam leeches? Wait! I think I've found something...
[She reaches in, and extricates...]
OBSTACLE #3--CARDBOARD WRAPPER
LP: No! No! Not more tape! [Brief interval of sobbing; some students who have walked in quickly exit again.] But I am strong! I will prevail! Nothing gets between me and a book. Nothing, I say!
[She tears off the wrapper, and discovers...]
OBSTACLE #4--A BUBBLE-WRAP ENVELOPE
LP [panting, in a combination of ire and exhaustion]: This must be a super-duper awesome kind of book. [Punches the bag several times to make popping sounds.] In fact, it had better be worth all of my next month's salary. [Makes more popping sounds.] Open Sesame!
[She rips open the envelope, and finds...]
OBSTACLE #5--A PLASTIC BAG
LP [now in a decidedly grim mood]: I take it I'm supposed to suffocate myself with this? [Starts peeling away the bag.] Gr-r-r-, there go, my heart's abhorrence!
[Finally, she removes the bag. Lying within is...]
LP: An advanced reading copy? An advanced reading copy?? O day and night, but this is wondrous strange! This is supposed to be a hardcover first edition!!! [Begins to hyperventilate.] What have I done to deserve this? What??? [Bursts into tears of agony in the middle of the office.]
WORK-STUDY STUDENT: Have a Petit Ecolier.
I love it! How many times has this happened to me?!
And if it's a used book from AbeBooks.com, then the vendor has probably wrapped the book in old newspaper (with more tape) too, allowing the recipient the opportunity to get newsprint ink all over the hands.
Posted by: Phil LeDuc | November 25, 2008 at 10:35 PM