ADVERTISEMENT #1: CHALK A-WAY!
Are you an English professor? Do you wear black to every class? Tired of chalk smudges messing up your favorite blazer?
[A SAD ACADEMIC covered with chalk dust appears on the screen. Behind him, we see several students giggling.]
Your worries are O-VER! Now there's CHALK A-WAY, the magic chalk remover!
[CLOSEUP of a WEIRD GIZMO that looks like a cross between a MINIATURE FAN and a SPONGE.]
Press CHALK A-WAY against a smudge, push that button, hold down this lever, and squeeze this trigger. Chalk goes A-WAY in NO. TIME. AT. ALL!
[Now the ACADEMIC looks HAPPY. His students are staring in admiration at his CHIC BLACK CLOTHING.]
Order now to receive your CHALK A-WAY for the low, low price of $14.99! And if you call within the next five minutes, we'll include this booklet on Paisleys for Professors for no extra charge!
ADVERTISEMENT #2: THE COMMON DENOMINATOR!
Feeling lost when faced with hundreds of students? Need to know their names right away? Are you humiliated when you call on Johnny instead of Jack?
[An ACADEMIC, trembling behind his LECTERN, tries to ask a STUDENT a question. Many ANONYMOUS STUDENTS glower at him.]
Well, feel unsure no more! Thanks to a top-secret team at Harvard University, you too can take advantage of this new, high-tech name display system...THE COMMON DENOMINATOR.
[Each student desk has been equipped with a GIGANTIC WHITEBOARD ON A POLE, with a FUCHSIA MARKER attached.]
Just ask your students to write their names on this specially-designed whiteboard. Even the most absent-minded professor can't ignore a student's name when it's flaming in fuchsia!
[The PROFESSOR is calling on STUDENTS right and left. CLOSEUP of several AMAZED STUDENTS, ooh-ing and ahh-ing in admiration.]
You can purchase COMMON DENOMINATORS for this one-time only bargain price of $2 per unit! That's right...just $2! Order NOW, and we'll also send you a special gift...markers in orange glitter! Your students will think you're even more fabulous!
[The PROFESSOR smiles smugly as his STUDENTS contemplate the ORANGE GLITTER MARKERS. They are clearly overwhelmed.]
Don't delay! Call today!
ADVERTISEMENT #3:THE "GO RETRO" GRADING SKIN!
Boring course software getting you down?
[A YAWNING PROFESSOR stares dully at her COMPUTER SCREEN. Stacks of UNGRADED BLUEBOOKS and several COFFEE CUPS are nearby. CLOSEUP of the COMPUTER SCREEN, which shows an UNINTERESTING ELECTRONIC GRADEBOOK.]
Remember when grading term papers and exams used to be fun and exciting? Relive those days with the "GO RETRO" GRADING SKIN! Just import this skin into your course software, and you'll be good to go.
[CLOSEUP of the COMPUTER SCREEN, which shows an ELECTRONIC GRADEBOOK transformed into an unnerving facsimile of an old-fashioned BOUND GRADEBOOK, complete with tiny boxes and blue lines.]
The "GO RETRO" GRADING SKIN transforms dull course software into cool course software! Colleagues will be amazed at just how closely your electronic gradebook resembles those fondly-remembered gradebooks of yore.
[The PROFESSOR, now wearing AWESOME SUNGLASSES, shows her COMPUTER SCREEN to several ADMIRING COLLEAGUES. Everybody looks excited.]
With the "GO RETRO" GRADING SKIN, you'll be finishing up those assignments in no time flat. Soon, you'll be creating more and more work for your students, just for the joy of grading it!
[Shot of several BAFFLED STUDENTS, staring at a quiz filled with HAPPY FACES and SAD FACES.]
Just $5.00! Order NOW, and we'll throw in this special edition hula hoop! A quick and easy way to exercise between papers. Call today!