[The LP is sitting in her office, eating chocolate and minding her own business, when...]
BOOKS IN HER OFFICE: Pssst! We hear rumors about a move to a new office building.
LP [understandably startled]: Erm...ah...well, yes, a couple of years down the road or so. That's the idea, anyway.
BOOKS: This office here is remarkably spacious, but the next one? Maybe not so much. We were taking bets on who is going to move home with you.
LP: Move home with me? [Look of panic.] Where am I supposed to put you?! There are over a thousand of you in here! I mean, it's not like I don't enjoy your company, but...there's no room for a shelf full of Norton Anthologies.
BOOKS: Aw, c'mon. When you were in graduate school, you had three thousand of us in a one-room studio, right? Books in the dining area, books around all the walls, books in the middle of the room, books in the closet...
LP [sternly]: I'm not a graduate student now. I insist on having some living space that has been kept free of texts.
BOOKS: You know what that means...
LP: ...it means I need a new house.
PASSING COLLEAGUE: Have you maybe considered leaving a few hundred books on the free books table?
Or donating them to the Presbyterian rummage sale? Selling them on eBay, maybe?
[The LP and the BOOKS think about this option for a moment.]
LP and BOOKS: Nah.
[The LP cranks up Craigslist, Zillow, and Realtor.com.]
BOOKS: Why aren't you looking at that house?
LP: Because it's "darling." This one over here is a "dollhouse," that one is "adorable," this other one is "charming," and this one--yikes!--is "absolutely charming."
BOOKS: You don't want a cute house?
LP: If the house is cute, then I can get one of us in there, but not both.
BOOKS: You do realize that your presence is optional, right? There's always a loft in the garage, or something.
LP: Anthologies ought to refrain from snark.
BOOKS: Surely that house is the right size?
LP: That house costs nearly $300K!
BOOKS: What about this 2000 sq. ft. modern colonial with an open floor plan?
LP: Wonderful. What am I supposed to do, stack the books in artistic patterns across the floor? Create floor-to-ceiling book columns? Bookcases require walls.
BOOKS: You could start a new trend! "Intertextual Decorating."
LP: *grits teeth*
BOOKS: This house has a big bonus room on the second floor...
[The LP and the BOOKS have a joint vision of several thousand books crashing through the ceiling and landing on the kitchen floor.]
LP and BOOKS: Nah.
BOOKS: I think this house must be perfect--it's got a big family room without too many windows, a living room, office space...
LP: Yes, but besides the fact that it's sitting on several acres, it isn't near any sidewalks.
BOOKS [patiently]: Let's think for a moment. What is that strange red object sitting in your driveway? Wait...let me think...Oh, yes! It's a car. Now, I've heard rumors that you humans drive cars places. To work, for example!
LP: But I like walking to work.
BOOKS: If you don't compromise on something, you're going to turn into your father's professor from grad school.
LP: No! Not...
BOOKS: ...books kept in the oven. Yes!
[Tune in over the next few months for the further adventures of the LP's library.]