At some point in the future, I'm going to write an article about Dracula pastiches. (Believe it or not, the project develops directly out of my usual line of work.) This is not that article. I have observed, however, that many of these pastiches appear to be adhering to some sort of script:
1. Dracula is Mina Harker's One Twoo Wuv. She cannot live without him, nor he live die undie without her. He may demonstrate his Grand Passion by kidnapping her, attempting to murder Jonathan Harker, sucking her blood on a regular basis, and/or other acts of a similarly sentimental nature.
2. Dracula has been Badly Misunderstood, victimized by evil anti-vampire factions in the Victorian media. Any behaviors that might conceivably be regarded as undesirable, such as Rampant Impaling, should be regarded in the light of Minor Youthful Missteps.
3. Although vampires do not sparkle, they are always Sexy.
4. Mina Harker is a New Woman, and therefore interested in Sex. This demonstrates that she is not a Repressed Victorian. But she also yearns for a Traditional Monogamous Relationship with her Man/Vampire of Choice, which makes her Liberated in a Good Way. Therefore, she gets a Good Ending with her Man/Vampire of Choice.
5. Lucy Westenra is also interested in Sex, which demonstrates that she is not a Repressed Victorian. But she succumbs to Vampires Who Are Not Her Fiance, which makes her Liberated in a Bad Way. Therefore, she needs to Die Very Unpleasantly.
6. Vampire Sex is very Hot, and may cause Swooning. It may also cause women to feel as though they are Shaking, Burning, or Exploding, which suggests that Hot Vampire Sex should take place only in non-flammable environments equipped with shatterproof glass.
7. Jonathan Harker does not supply Hot Vampire Sex, and so must be a) a Wimp, b) Boring, and/or c) Sexually Unadventurous. In fact, he may need to die, freeing Mina to live die undie with her One Twoo Wuv (see #1). He may be redeemed, however, if he shows himself willing to take lessons from Mina after she has had Hot Vampire Sex.
8. Female Vampires are notoriously Depraved, especially when they engage in regular Hot Vampire Sex. Bonus points if the Female Vampire is Elizabeth Bathory.
9. All human males, especially if Aristocratic, are Lustful, Murderous, and/or Inconstant, unless they are named Jonathan Harker (in which case, see #7) or are American. Apparently, American males resist Lust, Murder, and Inconstancy, possibly because they are from the New World and so are not yet Degenerate, let alone Aristocratic.
10. Van Helsing is not a Good Man, but a Repressed Victorian, which is Bad (unless you are Lucy, in which case see #5). He may be tempted by Hot Vampire Sex, which makes him feel Lustful (see #9) and therefore drives him to Serial Staking, or he may be Obsessed, which also drives him to Serial Staking. Asking him to give blood transfusions is a Bad Idea, and results in a Very Unpleasant Death.