You are sitting at a desk. In front of you, there is a laptop computer with an internet connection. To the NORTH, mirrored closet doors reflect your angsty expression. There is a window to the EAST. A closed door is to the WEST.
There are seven hundred pages of ROBERT ELSMERE here.
>go W
You are unable to open the door.
>look E
The window is shut, and ROBERT ELSMERE keeps it.
>this is not LOTR
No, but it's in the spirit of the thing.
>look computer
You begin to watch ballet videos on YouTube. Suddenly, the connection fizzles out with a sharp CRACKLE. A MYSTERIOUS NOTE appears on your screen.
>read mysterious note
"This is the voice of your all-powerful publisher. Proofread Robert Elsmere immediately, or you will be cursed to spend all eternity correcting OCR errors."
>read ROBERT ELSMERE
You read ROBERT ELSMERE. You find a MISSING COMMA.
>insert comma
You read ROBERT ELSMERE. You find an UNNECESSARY COMMA.
>delete comma
You read ROBERT ELSMERE. You find a MISSING COMMA.
>insert comma
You read ROBERT ELSMERE. You find an UNNECESSARY COMMA.
>delete comma
You read ROBERT ELSMERE. You find a MISSING COMMA.
>dude, seriously?
Like, totally.
You read ROBERT ELSMERE. You find SOMETHING THAT LOOKS ODD.
>check copytext
Yup, that was odd.
>fix typo
You read ROBERT ELSMERE. You find an INCORRECT SEMI-COLON.
>#*!!
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
>check page
You are on page three.
>#*!!
Have you seen a doctor about your blood pressure?
>check twitter
For some reason, Firefox refuses to let you access Twitter. You'll just have to continue proofreading.
>eat chocolate
Sorry, there's no chocolate here. Just keep proofreading ROBERT ELSMERE.
>xyzzy
What exactly was that supposed to accomplish?
For some reason, you hear a hollow voice say, "Plugh."
>read ROBERT ELSMERE
There are six hundred and ninety-seven pages of ROBERT ELSMERE here.
You read ROBERT ELSMERE. You find a MISSING COMMA...
...but we are grateful that you are working on this immensely important novel...
Posted by: Graham Christian | December 27, 2012 at 10:56 AM
Cheer up, maybe some day someone will write a heroic biography of you titled THE TRIUMPH OF THE COMMA WOMAN.
Incidentially, the other day I came across this article by the American agnostic Robert G. Ingersoll in which he discusses ELSMERE and other Victorian novels about religion. It's not really lit. crit., he's just using these books to reiterate some of his ideas on religion. Not sure when this was written, but Ingersoll died in 1899.
http://www.infidels.org/library/historical/robert_ingersoll/criticism_of_elsmere.html
Posted by: Nemo | December 29, 2012 at 10:15 PM