The Office of Plentiful Pundits, Campus Branch offers a stimulating and highly remunerative position in the Department of Academic Opiners. We seek a writer capable of creating op-ed product on short notice, to be distributed across all major media platforms. The successful candidate will be able to analyze and critique all issues touching "the university," "academia," and "academics," including finances, ethics, tenure, pedagogy, scholarship, infrastructure, strategic planning, administration, sports facilities, technology, hiring, politics, investment and divestment, demographics, departmental organization, curriculum, counseling, FERPA, Title IX, student journalism, &c. Candidates should have a current academic position, ideally at a private R1 such as Harvard or Yale; it is not necessary to have any experience at regional comprehensives, SLACs, community colleges, or other institutions with an emphasis on teaching. As our readers do not understand that these institutions are not run along the same lines as R1s, candidates do not need to prove any understanding of their teaching loads, hiring priorities, salaries, curricula, budgets, and the like. Candidates should be widely published in their field, but do not need to demonstrate any grasp of scholarship within the past decade, as that is not relevant to our needs. Because op-ed writing requires self-confidence, we welcome candidates with impressive research records who nevertheless believe that all other research is irrelevant and a waste of funds. The position does not require journalistic skills, on-the-ground research, or fact-checking. Successful candidates will be paid by the column. Contact email@example.com with cover letters, CVs, eight letters of recommendation, and a writing sample in which the candidate argues that methods in their own discipline were far superior fifty years ago. Twitter and Facebook accounts required.