I. George Lucas
[Open on a VAST EXPANSE OF RED PENS.]
CRAWL TEXT: LEGIONS OF EXAMS HAVE DESCENDED UPON THE TINY VILLAGE OF TROPKCORB. ONLY A FEW DAUNTLESS FACULTY STAND BETWEEN THE EXAMS AND FINAL GRADES. THE TENSION IS MOUNTING AS THE REGISTRAR'S DEADLINE COMES EVER NEARER...
[Pan across a VILLAGE COVERED IN SNOW--the VILLAGE of TROPKCORB. The SIDEWALKS are empty, save for a few RESIDENTS, struggling vainly against the BLOWING SNOWFLAKES.]
[A wipe reveals a SMALL PROFESSOR in some sort of EATING OR DRINKING ESTABLISHMENT, surrounded by EXAMS. We hear a low hum of conversation.]
[The SMALL PROFESSOR sighs loudly and picks up another EXAM from the PILES.]
SP: I have a bad feeling about this.
[A COLLEAGUE slides into the SEAT across from the SMALL PROFESSOR.]
COLL: Finally getting those grades done? It's taking you long enough.
SP: Look, just tell the Registrar that the grades will be done by Friday, m'kay?
[The SMALL PROFESSOR takes a swig of her DIET SODA.]
COLL: You've procrastinated too long. I happen to know for a fact that you also have fifty papers to grade, two meetings to attend, and a book review to revise. Face it--you've failed. And you know what the Registrar does to those who fail.
SP [stealthily unscrewing the TOP OF A PEN]: The grades will be submitted. If you don't believe me--
COLL: I look forward to seeing that nasty letter of reprimand in your personnel file!
[The SMALL PROFESSOR squirts the INK at the COLLEAGUE, leaving them SPUTTERING IN RAGE.*]
SP [throwing a big tip to a watching BARISTA]: Sorry for all the ink--probably another reason to give online exams.
*--For the Special Deluxe Anniversary Edition, this scene was re-edited so that the COLLEAGUE squirted first.
II. Peter Jackson
[The CAMERA flies over the SNOW-CAPPED PEAKS of the MOUNTAINS OF TROPKCORB, then dives into a STRANGE CAVE on one side.]
[The STRANGE CAVE is filled with ENDLESS PILES OF EXAMS, as far as the eye can see. In the midst of the EXAMS, it is just barely possible to spot a SMALL PROFESSOR, hunting amongst the ENDLESS PILES.]
SP: Where did that exam go? Where did it go?! That student is going to file a grievance with the chair--what if I can't find the exam?
[The SMALL PROFESSOR keeps hunting.]
SP: What are all these exams doing here, anyway? I only had enough for a week's worth of grading.
A STRANGE VOICE FROM OUT OF NOWHERE: We needed to give you enough exams to warrant making this a trilogy.
[Out of the blue, a COLLEAGUE floats by on a GIGANTIC LAPTOP COMPUTER, borne along by a STREAM OF MOLTEN GOLD.]
SP: Y'know, I really struggled with college-level physics, but even I'm pretty sure that you and your humongous laptop should resemble strips of burnt bacon by now.
COLL: Chill. So to speak. It's CGI, OK? Just grade with the flow.
III. J. J. ADAMS
[We are in some sort of COMMAND CENTER. The DESKS are all made out of a technologically-advanced transparent material. COMPUTERS hum along quietly in the background. The dominant colors are black and white.]
[A SMALL PROFESSOR can be glimpsed at one of the desks, working away at a PILE OF EXAMS.]
SP: I'm a professor, not a miracle worker!
[A MYSTERIOUS COLLEAGUE RESEMBLING BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH enters the room.]
MYST COLL: I believe you need the assistance of my superior mind. Only my intellect, charisma, and excellent teeth can save you from the endless torment of correcting grammar. Obey me, and I will promote you to Associate Dean for Red Pen Distribution; defy me, and I will sentence you to an eternity of labor in the spice mines of Kessel.
SP:...Are you quite sure you've got the right film there?
MYST COLL: Haven't read IMDb lately, have you?
SP: I would rather go down to the very depths of Moria before I aid you in your evil plans!
MYST COLL: Now who's got the wrong film?!
[Suddenly, there is a GIGANTIC LENS FLARE. When it vanishes, the MYSTERIOUS COLLEAGUE has also disappeared.]
SP [stumbling around, temporarily blinded]: Blasted lens flares...what the...where are the exams...can't see...REGISTRAAAAAAR!
IV. RIDLEY SCOTT
[We are in a CONSPICUOUSLY CGI VERSION OF TROPKCORB, filled with CGI PEOPLE and CGI BUILDINGS. On one of the few physical sets, we can see a SMALL PROFESSOR--except that this SMALL PROFESSOR, unlike all other versions, is actually tall, blonde, and blue-eyed.]
TBBSP: The prophecy says that she who finishes the exams shall be promoted, and she who shall be promoted will finish the exams. Whatever could that mean?
[She tries to take a swig of her CGI diet soda, then scowls.]
[An ELDER COLLEAGUE steps down from a CGI chariot and approaches the TALL, BLOND, AND BLUE-EYED SMALL PROFESSOR.]
ELD COLL: I have some information about your true identity that may be of interest to you.
TBBSP: Before we start--are you real or CGI?
ELD COLL [sighing]: Real. For the moment. In this scene, anyway. Can I go on?
TBBSP: Dude, I can either listen to you or grade these exams, which unfortunately aren't CGI. Get on with it.
ELD COLL: As your use of "dude" suggests, you are not whom you believe yourself to be. Instead, you are actually a very short brunette with myopic brown eyes, originally from Los Angeles--
TBBSP: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's ridiculous! Who on earth would make a casting decision like that?
ELD COLL [shrugging]: The same person who cast Christian Bale as Moses, I'm guessing.