The Little Professor

Ten stories yet to be told

In recent months we've heard from the nurse (a minor character) and now Gwendolen (a major one).  But surely this vein of literary endeavor has not yet been fully tapped? I humbly offer the following suggestions:

1) Better Service Have I Never Done You: The First Servant's Tale.  Who was that anonymous First Servant in King Lear? And what led him to oppose his master, the Duke of Cornwall? In this shocking narrative, told as an extended flashback, the First Servant reveals why a jealous William Shakespeare vengefully consigned him to both anonymity and an untimely death.  Lovers of mysteries and codes will be intrigued by the novel's intricate plot, which begins over a breakfast of bacon and eggs when the First Servant announced plans for a trip to Oxford...    

2)  Pilot: A Shaggy Dog Story.  Fans of Lassie and Lad: A Dog will delight in this innovative reinterpretation of Jane Eyre, which retells the classic love story from the POV of Rochester's dog.  Charlotte Bronte's anthropomorphism led her to conceal Pilot's central role in the plot, which included knocking Rochester off his horse and tricking Grace Poole into letting Bertha Mason out of the attic.  Pilot's own doomed passion for Adele's Maltese forms a melancholy counterpoint to the more familar tale. 

3) A Sensible Gentleman: Or, Mr. Willoughby's Narrative.  In this new twist on Sense and Sensibility, Mr. Willoughby offers a rollicking account of romantic life at the end of the eighteenth century, when waists were high and moral standards were low.  There is, of course, sex.

4) Unexpected.  An irate Pip discovers that Charles Dickens has published his autobiography without permission, and with a few significant--and unapproved--edits.  The truth is far more exciting...and far more brutal.  Readers will thrill to Pip's gruesome stories of life as an accountant, especially his revelations about the role double-entry bookkeeping played in his discovery of the truth about Magwitch.  

5) The Nun's Priest's Horse's Tale.  Geoffrey Chaucer spent little time on the all-important animals carrying the pilgrims in The Canterbury Tales.  In this twenty-first century Black Beauty, the Nun's Priest's Horse offers--in luminous verse--a touching story about everyday life as a medieval animal.  Readers will never look at a haystack in the same way.

6) Ringing the Book.  This audacious and ambitious retelling of Robert Browning's The Ring and the Book reimagines the story from the point of view of the Yellow Book itself.  In a series of terza rima sonnets, the Yellow Book reflects on the process of its own construction, its fragmentary consciousness of the plot's events, and its eventual appropriation by Browning.  Written to be taught in courses on postmodernism, poststructuralist theory, and intertextuality.

7) The Slough of Despond.  In this elegiac sequel to Vanity Fair, an elderly Dobbin, still unable to complete his History, reflects on married life, fatherhood, and his secret but passionate affair with Becky Sharp.  As the narrative unfolds, the reader realizes that Dobbin's tale is actually addressed to his heretofore unknown love child with Miss Jemima Pinkerton...

8) Lord Henry: My Life.  This naughty novel is The Picture of Dorian Gray with all the good bits left in. A boisterous romp through the most decadent homes of the late-Victorian aristocracy, Lord Henry follows the eponymous hero through the heights of passion and the depths of interior decorating.  A Fifty Shades of Grey for the more discerning reader.

9) The Dormouse Dozes.  The publishing event of the season, The Dormouse Dozes asks us to imagine Alice's Adventures in Wonderland from the perspective of a dreamer within the dream.  Told in fragmentary bursts of consciousness, delirious prose reminiscent of James Joyce, and abstract imagery, The Dormouse Dozes heralds our liberation from plot, characterization, genre, and the novel itself.

10) Daniel Deronda.  In a scalding rejection of F. R. Leavis, Daniel Deronda retells the events of George Eliot's classic novel with all references to Gwendolen removed.  

Grading, in the style of four directors

I.  George Lucas

[Open on a VAST EXPANSE OF RED PENS.]

CRAWL TEXT: LEGIONS OF EXAMS HAVE DESCENDED UPON THE TINY VILLAGE OF TROPKCORB.  ONLY A FEW DAUNTLESS FACULTY STAND BETWEEN THE EXAMS AND FINAL GRADES.  THE TENSION IS MOUNTING AS THE REGISTRAR'S DEADLINE COMES EVER NEARER...

[Pan across a VILLAGE COVERED IN SNOW--the VILLAGE of TROPKCORB.  The SIDEWALKS are empty, save for a few RESIDENTS, struggling vainly against the BLOWING SNOWFLAKES.]

[A wipe reveals a SMALL PROFESSOR in some sort of EATING OR DRINKING ESTABLISHMENT, surrounded by EXAMS.  We hear a low hum of conversation.]

[The SMALL PROFESSOR sighs loudly and picks up another EXAM from the PILES.]

SP: I have a bad feeling about this.

[A COLLEAGUE slides into the SEAT across from the SMALL PROFESSOR.]

COLL: Finally getting those grades done? It's taking you long enough.

SP: Look, just tell the Registrar that the grades will be done by Friday, m'kay? 

[The SMALL PROFESSOR takes a swig of her DIET SODA.]

COLL: You've procrastinated too long.  I happen to know for a fact that you also have fifty papers to grade, two meetings to attend, and a book review to revise.  Face it--you've failed.  And you know what the Registrar does to those who fail. 

SP [stealthily unscrewing the TOP OF A PEN]: The grades will be submitted.  If you don't believe me--

COLL: I look forward to seeing that nasty letter of reprimand in your personnel file!

SP: Yah-huh.

[The SMALL PROFESSOR squirts the INK at the COLLEAGUE, leaving them SPUTTERING IN RAGE.*]

SP [throwing a big tip to a watching BARISTA]: Sorry for all the ink--probably another reason to give online exams.  

*--For the Special Deluxe Anniversary Edition, this scene was re-edited so that the COLLEAGUE squirted first.

II.  Peter Jackson

[The CAMERA flies over the SNOW-CAPPED PEAKS of the MOUNTAINS OF TROPKCORB, then dives into a STRANGE CAVE on one side.]

[The STRANGE CAVE is filled with ENDLESS PILES OF EXAMS, as far as the eye can see.  In the midst of the EXAMS, it is just barely possible to spot a SMALL PROFESSOR, hunting amongst the ENDLESS PILES.]

SP: Where did that exam go? Where did it go?! That student is going to file a grievance with the chair--what if I can't find the exam?

[The SMALL PROFESSOR keeps hunting.]

SP: What are all these exams doing here, anyway?  I only had enough for a week's worth of grading.

A STRANGE VOICE FROM OUT OF NOWHERE: We needed to give you enough exams to warrant making this a trilogy.

SP: Figures.  

[Out of the blue, a COLLEAGUE floats by on a GIGANTIC LAPTOP COMPUTER, borne along by a STREAM OF MOLTEN GOLD.]

SP: Y'know, I really struggled with college-level physics, but even I'm pretty sure that you and your humongous laptop should resemble strips of burnt bacon by now.

COLL: Chill.  So to speak.  It's CGI, OK? Just grade with the flow.

SP: Literally.

III.  J. J. ADAMS

[We are in some sort of COMMAND CENTER.  The DESKS are all made out of a technologically-advanced transparent material.  COMPUTERS hum along quietly in the background.  The dominant colors are black and white.]

[A SMALL PROFESSOR can be glimpsed at one of the desks, working away at a PILE OF EXAMS.]

SP: I'm a professor, not a miracle worker!

[A MYSTERIOUS COLLEAGUE RESEMBLING BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH enters the room.]

MYST COLL: I believe you need the assistance of my superior mind.  Only my intellect, charisma, and excellent teeth can save you from the endless torment of correcting grammar.  Obey me, and I will promote you to Associate Dean for Red Pen Distribution; defy me, and I will sentence you to an eternity of labor in the spice mines of Kessel.

SP:...Are you quite sure you've got the right film there?

MYST COLL: Haven't read IMDb lately, have you? 

SP: I would rather go down to the very depths of Moria before I aid you in your evil plans!

MYST COLL: Now who's got the wrong film?!

[Suddenly, there is a GIGANTIC LENS FLARE.  When it vanishes, the MYSTERIOUS COLLEAGUE has also disappeared.]

SP [stumbling around, temporarily blinded]: Blasted lens flares...what the...where are the exams...can't see...REGISTRAAAAAAR!

IV. RIDLEY SCOTT

[We are in a CONSPICUOUSLY CGI VERSION OF TROPKCORB, filled with CGI PEOPLE and CGI BUILDINGS.  On one of the few physical sets, we can see a SMALL PROFESSOR--except that this SMALL PROFESSOR, unlike all other versions, is actually tall, blonde, and blue-eyed.]

TBBSP: The prophecy says that she who finishes the exams shall be promoted, and she who shall be promoted will finish the exams.  Whatever could that mean?

[She tries to take a swig of her CGI diet soda, then scowls.]

[An ELDER COLLEAGUE steps down from a CGI chariot and approaches the TALL, BLOND, AND BLUE-EYED SMALL PROFESSOR.]

ELD COLL: I have some information about your true identity that may be of interest to you.

TBBSP: Before we start--are you real or CGI?

ELD COLL [sighing]: Real.  For the moment.  In this scene, anyway.  Can I go on?

TBBSP: Dude, I can either listen to you or grade these exams, which unfortunately aren't CGI.  Get on with it.

ELD COLL: As your use of "dude" suggests, you are not whom you believe yourself to be.  Instead, you are actually a very short brunette with myopic brown eyes, originally from Los Angeles--

TBBSP: Whoa, whoa, whoa.  That's ridiculous! Who on earth would make a casting decision like that? 

ELD COLL [shrugging]: The same person who cast Christian Bale as Moses, I'm guessing.

 

 

 

 

If Social Media Counted Toward Tenure

SELECTED FACEBOOK POSTINGS

"Eating Pizza at Giordano's."  Facebook 4.1.2014.  

A five-paragraph review of Giordano's stuffed spinach pizza, accompanied by a high-res photograph of the pizza in various stages of consumption.  The review applies Bourdieu's theories of cultural capital to the act of eating Chicago-style stuffed pizza, a controversial comestible that pizza aficionados insist is obviously inferior to the New York variety.  There are six comments on the review, including one by someone who claims to be Slavoj Zizek (see my "citations" list in Appendix E). 

"Untitled Passive-Aggressive Venting."  Facebook 6.12.2014.

An essay in which I denounce various unnamed members of a prominent academic organization, although while providing enough clues for an attentive reader to identify said individuals.  The essay articulates its critique through a deconstructive rereading of Foucault, productively melded with a Lacanian interrogation of Horkheimer and Adorno.  It has thirty-nine comments and eight shares; it has also been reposted to Tumblr, where it has garnered 531 notes.  One of the unnamed individuals has informed me in private that s/he intends to sue for defamation, which I consider proof of this essay's subversion of sociopolitical boundaries in elite academic circles (see my supporting documents in Appendix G).  

"Untitled Cat Photo Shoot."  Facebook 8.2.2014.

Six high-res photographs of my cat Twinkums, a Siamese-Scottish Fold mix.  The photographs are accompanied by several fragmentary reflections on the role of cats in the construction of postmodern subjectivity, written in a style intended to evoke a combination of T. S. Eliot and Judith Butler.  This post has nine comments and two shares; in addition, one photo of Twinkums lyingin a sunbeam has been reprinted on CuteOverload.

SELECTED TWEETS

"Untitled tweet on hot fudge sundaes." Twitter 1.3.2014.

A 118-character tweet devoted to a peanut butter and dark chocolate fudge sundae, with the hashtag #OmNomNom.  Part of an extensive discussion devoted to the cultural implications of eating hot fudge sundaes at the MLA instead of going to the cash bars.  This tweet has twelve favorites and thirty-nine retweets, and has recently been linked on Buzzfeed (see "citations" in Appendix E).

"Untitled tweet on television."  Twitter 7.3.2014.

A 39-character tweet in which I insist that serious academics do not watch CSI, with the hashtag #OMGLosers.  A social experiment in which I performed the role of cultural contrarian.  This tweet has eighty-six favorites, ninety-four retweets, and two-hundred-plus responses, including eight responses accusing me of elitism, thirteen insisting that I am a dangerous leftist radical, and four proclaiming me a right-wing fanatic.  The tweet has been the subject of serious discussion in Slate, the Chronicle of HIgher Education, and Reddit (see "citations" in Appendix E). 

"Untitled tweet on The Phantom Menace."  Twitter 10.31.2014.

A 128-character tweet in which I celebrate the radical aesthetics of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, with the hashtag #AnakinForever.  Although this tweet has no favorites and no retweets, I have been informed that it will be reprinted in an upcoming book on Star Wars as cultural phenomenon--according to the author, I am the only person to have ever said anything complimentary about this film (see "citations" in Appendix E).  

SELECTED YOUTUBE COMMENTS

"Comment on The Hobbit trailer." "The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies Teaser Trailer."  Youtube 8.3.2014.

A denunciation of Peter Jackson's effects on twenty-first century cinema, with reference to the work of Kracauer.  At the time of writing, it has received sixty-eight downvotes (and is therefore invisible on the page), but the strength of this response testifies to the power of its intervention in popular discourse on the cinema.  

"Comment on Matterhorn POV video." "Super Matterhorn Vid!"  Youtube 9.12.2014.

A critique of the video's insistence that rides at Disneyland are fun, pointing instead to the ride's use of the Yeti as a means of sublating contemporary cultural anxieties about ethical tourism.  Incorporates multiple references to Baudrillard.  At the time of writing, it has received ninety-four downvotes (and is therefore invisible on the page), but has also sparked a serious conversation on academic blogs about whether or not YouTube comments inherently support the status quo (see "citations" in Appendix E).

"Comment on Schoolhouse Rock Mashup."  "Schoolhouse Punk Rocks."  Youtube 11.6.2014.

A lengthy (equivalent to an entry in The Explicator) argument that contemporary transnational appropriations of Schoolhouse Rock enact an urgent critique of English grammar in an age of globalization, with extensive references to Linda Hutcheon.  At the time of writing, it has received three hundred and six downvotes (and is therefore invisible on the page), but it is the subject of articles in Slate, Inside Higher Ed, and the Huffington Post on the possibility of serious theoretical interventions in a medium privileging comments that take the form of acronyms (see "citations" in Appendix E).  

 

Academic Honor Code for a University a Long, Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far, Far Away

2002nd revision of the Academic Integrity Policy.  The Policy applies to all students entering in the 50-51 ABY school year.

The following constitute violations of the University's policies.  For a summary of the reporting and appeals process, see the appendix.

1.  Telepathy.  During examination sessions, telepathic contact with students in or out of the classroom is strictly forbidden.  Students may not forcibly initiate telepathic contact with any instructor or proctor.  

2.  Unauthorized contact with Force ghosts.  Force ghosts are not considered reliable, peer-reviewed sources, and should not be cited in academic papers or examinations.  (See the Intergalactic Style Guide, 247th ed., on the appropriate use of sources.)  Students may not use the University to forward any political projects developed by Force ghosts, nor may they assist them in leaving Chaos.  Force ghosts should not be invoked to intimidate faculty, administrators, or other students.

3.  Telekinesis.  Students may not use telekinesis in physical education or dance classes without the explicit permission of the instructor.  At no time may students use telekinesis to manipulate, elevate, remove, or destroy computers, either theirs or another's, during an examination session.  Students may not use telekinesis to defenestrate the faculty, move objects or items of furniture in classrooms, or levitate buildings.  

4.  Protocol droids.  Students may not submit for credit any translation or original work produced by a protocol droid.  Students may not order any protocol droid to complete assignments or examinations, and they may not tamper with any instructor's protocol droid to obtain answers to examination questions. Students who have religious, linguistic, cultural or medical reasons to use protocol droids in class must obtain permission from the Office of Android Management.

5.  Astromechs.  Students may not use astromechs for any purpose related to coursework in coding, engineering, mathematics, or space flight.   Programming astromechs to insult faculty, administrators, or students in Binary is strictly forbidden.  

6.  Joining the Dark Side.  Students may under no circumstances join the Sith to force faculty to grant higher grades. Students who enter into apprenticeship contracts with Sith Lords will be immediately reported to the authorities.  It is strictly forbidden to use Dark Side powers, such as force lightning, to injure faculty, administrators, and fellow students, or to damage electronic devices, droids, and ships.

APPENDIX: Reporting and appealing violations

Faculty or administrators wishing to report violations must use the following procedure.

1.  Documentation of the violation.  Faculty may document the violation using holovid or droid recording capabilities.  The University discourages faculty from citing Force ghosts as witnesses, communicating with the administration using telepathy, or immediately challenging the student to a dual-wielding lightsaber duel.

2.  Report to Department Chair.  The incident should be reported to the Chair using Form 39171(b), available on the University website (see "Disciplinary Forms").  Incident reports must be made within one day of the event.  Faculty must fully complete all 21 pages of the form and forward it to the chair with the accompanying evidence.  Failure to answer all questions correctly will result in instant dismissal of the complaint.

3.  Chair reports to Assistant to the Assistant Associate Dean.  The Chair must evaluate the complaint using Form 3911118(a), and forward that form to the AAAD, together with Form 39171(b) and the documentary evidence.  Reports must be  completed within two weeks of the complaint.  The Chair must fully complete all 48 pages of the form for the complaint to be considered by the administration.  Failure to answer all questions correctly will result in instant dismissal of the complaint.

4.  AAAD reports to the Assistant Associate Dean.  After evaluating the relevant forms, the AAAD should forward their recommendation to the AAD within one year of receiving the complaint.  In general, a one-word "yes" or "no" should suffice.   

5.  AAD reports to the AD.  Once the AAAD's recommendation has been received, the AAD has three years to suggest a plan of disciplinary action to the AD, or to dismiss the case altogether.  Action plans may be submitted verbally over a regulation game of Sabacc.

6.  AD reports to the Dean.  Within five years of receiving the AD's action plan, the Dean should hand down a final ruling.  However, disciplinary action will be voided if either the student or the faculty member is no longer at the University because of graduation, retirement, or other proximate cause.  

Appeals process

1.  At the initial report phase.  Students may challenge the instructor's account of events using Form 3333991 (z).  This Form must be submitted within thirty minutes of notification that a complaint has been filed.  Students must fully complete all 83 pages of the Form or their appeal will be disregarded by the University.

2.  After the Dean's ruling.  Students who for some reason have not left the University at the time of the Dean's ruling may challenge the disciplinary action using one of the following methods: 1) a podrace in the canyons of Tatooine; 2) a game of Dejarik according to Galactic Core standards; 3) a time trial in protocol droid assembly.  Students are required to provide all materials and, if necessary, pay for their own transportation.  Students may not use any University-related funds for this purpose.  A student who loses the challenge must compensate the University for all costs incurred.  

If Nine Victorian Authors Wrote Listicles

• Charles Dickens: It Was the Best of Cat Photos, It Was the Worst of Cat Photos
• George Eliot: Ten Discontented Characters Who--But Why Always Discontented Characters? 
• William Makepeace Thackeray: In which Seven Ironic Comments are Made at the Expense of Our Heroes, and What They Did Afterwards
• Charlotte Bronte: Reader, I Counted Them: Five Horrifying Secrets in the Attic!
• Emily Bronte: Seventy Times Seven Times These Characters Savagely Insulted Each Other--But Fans Ship Them Anyway 
• Bram Stoker: Twenty Men Who Wrote Eight Gothic Novels about Four Vampires to be Read by One Person
• James Malcolm Rymer: "Eight Terrifying Monsters from the Deep."  "Eight?" "Eight."  "Truly Eight?" "Not Nine." "Perhaps You Mean Ten?" "Just Eight."
• Arthur Conan Doyle: Fifty of Sherlock Holmes' Imitators--Their Limits
• M. R. James: Thirteen Vacationing Academics Who Perceived Nothing Further of an Untoward Character (And How They Died) 

How to Write a CHE Pseudonymous Essay, Part II: A Template

[Supposedly well-meaning but frequently contrarian topic]

[Pseudonym, ideally punny]

[Anecdotal opening, unverifiable due to pseudonym]

[Minor problem inflated to apocalyptic proportions]

[Musings on halcyon days of yore]

[Much use of "I"]

[Judgmental observations from securely pseudonymous position, unverifiable due to &c.]

[Distressing historical narrative, unclouded by empirical data]

[Further judgmental observations from securely pseudonymous position, unverifiable due to &c.]

[Catalog of crimes]

[Grandiose solution to inflated minor problem, also unclouded by empirical data]

[Irate comments below-the-line]

[Irate comments on Twitter]

[Irate comments on Facebook]

[Irate comments on blogs]

[Many clicks]

[Invitation to write yet another pseudonymous article] 

Intergalactic Language Association Job Information List

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR, LITERATURES OF THE KLINGON EMPIRE

KOLOTH MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY--BAT'LETH BRANCH CAMPUS, QO'NOS

The Department of Klingonaase invites applications for an assistant professor in literature of the Klingon Empire, 0 CE-present.  Applicants of any species must be fluent in all Klingon dialects; competency in at least one other relevant language (Romulan, Andorian, etc.) strongly preferred.  Instruction at the university is conducted in tlhInghan Hol; universal translators are not provided.  The applicant's responsibilities include a 5-5 teaching load; a strong research program in comparative imperial literatures; and service to the university, including regular battle drills and collaborative armor repair.  Candidates may be asked to demonstrate their physical fitness during the interview procedure, as the tenure process normally requires extended torture with Painstiks.  Salary is competitive--that is, candidates must compete for their salary, most frequently by unarmed combat with one of the Deans.  Non-Klingon applicants should familiarize themselves with the local culture before applying, as attrition rates are often high, thanks to mortal injuries incurred as part of the everyday academic routine.  

The Ba'atleth campus is nestled in an especially inviting village, close to several picturesque volcanoes and two major deserts.  Although the village is physically isolated and civilians are not permitted to use the transporter, the region is noted for its culture, especially Klingon opera and touring productions of Shakespeare in the original Klingon.  Local attractions include fire pits, combat arenas, and a variety of cosmopolitan dining options, including one restaurant noted for Klingon-Tellarite fusion cuisine.  

Applicants should submit a cover letter, CV, three letters of recommendation, affidavit of battle preparedness (preferrably an advanced certificate of accomplishment in either phasers or swordfighting), writing sample, and philosophy of teaching to Dr. B'UckUp, Chair, by April 1.

VISITING ASSISTANT PROFESSOR, LITERATURES OF THE OUTER RIM

CENTRAL UNIVERSITY OF TATOOINE

The Department of Literature, Philosophy, Astrophysics, History, and Metalworking invites applications for a three-year visiting position in Literatures of the Outer Rim.  The Central University of Tatooine is a post-New Republic institution, with a mandate to prepare promising scholars for careers in interstellar business, exoeconomics, and cyborg management.  Our secondary concentration in Literatures of the Outer Rim is an optional track for majors in Extra-Market Commodity Circulation, an interdisciplinary program overseen by Literature, Economics, and Starship Navigation.  Applicants should be fluent in at least three languages, although this requirement may be waived for those who can prove ownership of a protocol droid.  Teaching responsibilities will include at least two sections of New Republic Literatures and Traditions per semester, as well as one section of Introductory Programming.  We prefer applicants with at least some Jedi training (Intermediate Light Saber certification) who can defend the campus in case of Sith invasion.  Although Central Tatooine does not offer tenure, employees do receive generous benefits, including all-you-can drink nights at the local cantina and full health insurance (loss of arms and hands not covered).  

Despite its reputation,  Tatooine is currently undergoing a cultural renaissance.  The planet recently became home to the Gamorrean Royal Ballet, which won intergalactic plaudits for its new production of Pigs in Space, and the Astromech Color Guard and Rolling Band.  The Central University was recently ranked 211,000th in Corellian News' list of intergalactic institutions, an improvement of nearly 5,000 places over a five-year period.  

Applicants should submit an information chip, midichlorian count, and all transcripts to Dr. Reedic Ulouslang Uage, Chair.  Interviewees should wear comfortable clothing appropriate for sudden sandstorms.  Please note that air conditioning is rarely available on Tatooine.  

ASSOCIATE OR FULL PROFESSOR, WESTEROSI CULTURAL STUDIES

CITY COLLEGE OF KING'S LANDING

The Department of Cultural Studies at the City College of King's Landing is pleased to announce a senior position in Westerosi Cultural Studies.  (Please note that this position is open only to candidates who are not revived from the dead and/or wargs.) After the mysterious deaths of the previous twelve occupants of this line, we are eager to make a permanent appointment.  Candidates should be well-versed in Westerosi popular entertainment, meteorology, blood magic, and contemporary politics (please see "mysterious deaths," above).  We are particularly interested in scholars with a subfield in Boltonian aesthetics, for which there is additional travel funding; for some reason, our previous appointee disappeared near Dreadfort while conducting field research, so we would advise caution.   Although the position requires no teaching, it does require the holder to maintain a rigorous program of scholarship, obtain outside grants, and represent the college at major events (e.g., weddings).  Those who fail to perform their duties adequately will be sent to the Wall.

King's Landing, in addition to being one of the great cultural and economic centers of Westeros, also features unique local furniture and intriguing, if mysterious, cuisine.  The climate is pleasant, although we expect a slight cooling trend in the immediate future.  The political scene is especially entertaining, and subject to change at a moment's notice.

There is no pre-screening for this position.  Please come directly to the college for an interview; bread and salt will be supplied on request.   

On the transfer of skills derived from cat-ownership ownership by cats to academia: a grant application

Introduction

Cats have long been regarded as ideal companion animals for academics: they are relatively self-sufficient, do not require regular walks, and spend long periods asleep--all of which enable academics to focus on their research, teaching, and service-related tasks.  It is our contention, however, that living with cats in fact produces a skillset that can be usefully generalized to many aspects of today's academic working environment.

We differentiate between two primary types of skill: a) skills learned from cats b) skills learned by co-existing with cats.  Our study will classify and evaluate the relative applicability of each skill to the academic environment, focusing on their respective cultural, political, and social ramifications.  By the end of our study, we will better understand the practical importance of cat companionship to academics, and propose new targets for assessing the positive and negative effects of such companionship.  

The method 

To our surprise, despite the presence of cats at all levels of the academic workforce, no study of this exceptionally important topic has yet been undertaken.  As a result, we are free to forge new methodological ground in our pathbreaking investigations.  We therefore propose a cross-sectional study, drawing on eighty-six volunteers from diverse demographics who are united by one thing: their longterm co-existence with at least one cat. This is a participant-observer study, as the grant applicants are all owned by multiple cats apiece.  Data will be collected via interviews, questionnaires, and personal observation.  To analyze the data, we will employ a multidisciplinary blend of empirical sociological research, statistical analysis, animal behavioral study, French feminism, and Derridean deconstruction.  Although the grant applicants are all English professors, we have devoted at least three weeks' worth of study to each of these modes of inquiry, and are confident that we can deploy them with considerable proficiency.  

Sample interview questions

1) Do you remove cats from chairs before sitting down, or do you opt for a different chair? Explain your reasoning.

2) Estimate, to the nearest HZ, the frequency at which you converse with your cats.  

3) Describe how living with a cat has affected your home decor.  Be sure to include such examples as carpet color, upholstery types, and so forth.

4) When a cat sits on your book, how do you respond?

5) Estimate your annual expenditure on cat toys, catnip, and treats.

Skills to be assessed: learnt from cats

1) Ignoring human communication.  Potential applications: evading requests for grade changes and extra service assignments. 

2) Sleeping at all hours.  Potential applications: dozing off surreptitiously during long department meetings.

3) Demanding food at 5 AM.  Potential applications: gaining favors from department chairs by nagging them early in the morning.

4) Regular grooming habits.  Potential applications: improving academic dress sense.

5) Staring at walls for no reason.  Potential applications: producing the appearance of serious thought during exceptionally dull conference presentations.

Skills to be assessed: learnt from co-existing with cats

1) Sneaking up on cats to medicate them.  Potential applications: introducing potentially boring topics to students by concealing them within shiny apps.

2) Being ignored.  Potential applications: learning to be philosophical about the department chair's refusal to grant favors (see #3 above).

3) Effluvia avoidance.  Potential applications: avoiding unpleasant departmental conversations about new office assignments.

4) Physical contortions to avoid disturbing cats.  Potential applications: negotiating the space between door and desk in one's cramped office.

5) Spending more on the cat's needs than your own.  Potential applications: discovering creative ways of using the department's pen budget to fund a wine-and-cheese party.

Assessment procedures

Participants will be asked to maintain Excel spreadsheets tabulating the frequency with which they use each cat-related skill, noting important results (e.g., whether or not the department chair retaliated for being nagged at 5 AM by assigning the faculty member to teach a Saturday morning course the following semester).   In follow-up interviews, the practical use-value of each skill will be evaluated on a one-to-ten scale, with "one" indicating that the skill had no academic applications, and "ten" indicating that the skill worked consistently in multiple academic contexts.  Our final report will then analyze the data utilizing a groundbreaking statistical method that melds quantitative analysis with the Greimas square. 

Dissemination of final results

We expect to present our work at the 2015 MLA conference, where it will receive additional exposure from journalists looking for unusual titles.  The tentative title: "Cat People or Pet Semetaries? The Discursive Construction of Relations between Cats and Academics in Upstate New York."  We anticipate that an international publicity tour, including multiple daytime talk shows and a possible hosting gig on SNL, will ensue shortly thereafter.  

Estimated budget

New high-performance gaming laptops with HD touchscreens, to maximize ease of use while Skyping and to test feline aptitude for electronic media: $2000 ea/$10000 total

Weekly first-class ticket purchases to upstate NY, to maximize one-on-one access to subjects for the duration of the study: $1000 ea/$2600000 total (note: may be offset by frequent flier miles)

Luxury hotel accomodations, necessary to produce the correct frame of mind for conducting interviews: $500 nightly ea/$390000 total (note: may be offset by hotel rewards programs)

iPhones for each candidate, in order to enable ease of data collection and exchange: $500 ea/$46000 total 

Dinner budget, to reward candidates for participation: $100 ea dinner/$8600 total

Deluxe catnip toys, for experiments: $5 ea cat/estimated $1000 total

Variety of high-quality cat food, for experiments: $520 ea cat/estimated $4000 total

 

 

If reader's reports looked like wine reviews

This social constructivist reading of the Book of Common Prayer is unusually slick in feel, and redolent of Judith Butler, but startling undertones of Stephen Greenblatt and Gloria Steinem combine to produce an unusual chocolaty aftereffect.  The finish is reminiscent of slightly undercooked green beans, but with an intriguing aftertaste not unlike parboiled Foucault.  Verdict: Revise and resubmit.

Although the multicolored hues of this new digital edition of Eliza Cook’s poetry promise a cherry-like taste, somewhat akin to Lacanian interpretations of Dickens, the actual result resembles nothing so much as a combination of Ouzo and petroleum, liberally seasoned with pizza, and with pulsing undertones of Pepto-Bismol.  The mélange of digital humanities jargon and New Criticism in the body is liable to upset the stomach, rather like subpar Jungianism.  Verdict: Reject.

This exceptionally fruity deconstruction of Emily Sarah Holt has been nicely aged in the author’s hard drive, and thus has pleasantly warm tones of circuit boards and Microsoft Office ’97, with a slightly tart finish.   Close attention to Lollards provides structure to an article that, thanks to its potentially unsettling infusion of Derrida, might otherwise lack body.  Verdict: Accept.

The nose promises a tangy tartness not unlike a sour gumdrop.  But the body of this Foucauldian interpretation of Windows 8 is so acidic as to dissolve all tastebuds in the immediate vicinity.  Unpleasant tones of spoiled milk in the finish merely clinch the final effect.  May benefit from further aging.  Verdict: Revise and resubmit.

As one might expect of a New Historicist analysis of late-Victorian hymnals, the nose combines rag paper, leather, and just a hint of active mold.  It’s a little startling, then, to come across an aroma of overspiced cranberry juice in the footnotes, drifting across the more substantial body of dark chocolate (72% cacao), cinnamon, and neo-Darwinian theory.  Strong notes of Lyotard in the finish make for an unexpectedly pleasant read.  Verdict: Accept with minor revisions.

This article, written on a topic in which I specialize, starts off well, with enjoyable, inviting aromas of slightly overripe pears, well-aged Cheddar cheese, and a slight hint of triple-chocolate-chip cookies.  But the article itself, which fails to reference my seminal contributions to the field, entirely lacks taste.  The ill-judged mix of Derrida, Irigaray, and Bakhtin in the finish reminded me of unwashed socks.  Read my work instead! Verdict: Reject.

Textual and Material Culture in the Temple of Academe: A Proposal for the 520th Meeting of the MLA, 2413

PANEL OVERVIEW.  Archaeologists excavating a long-buried physical campus in upstate NY discovered an Office in what they termed a "miraculous" state of preservation.  They were particularly excited by the number of paper artifacts in the room, apparently in their original locations.  The Desk proved to be of especial interest:

This panel draws on cutting-edge methodology in supramodern materio-textual studies to analyze the possible ramifications of this find for our understanding of academic ritual in the Late Postmodern period (granting, of course, that in recent debates over periodization, scholars have proposed that this era should be called Presupramodern, or perhaps -Postmodern, as opposed to +Postmodern).  The panelists seek to undermine recent arguments that Offices were merely locations in which one could find academics, as opposed to sites of ritual contestation and spiritual identity formation.  We believe that this panel will raise important questions for the further study of Late Postmodern Academic culture as it relates to the production of new literary spatiotemporalities (see J. St. Joking, Thinking in the Box: "Writing" in the Age of Gravity). 

PAPER #1: "Piles upon Piles: Stacking Papers in Late Postmodern Offices" [R. U. Sure, West Moon Crater University]

I argue that Desks were uniquely productive spaces for Academic ritual subject-formation, involving as they did myriad opportunities for the creative disposition of materio-textual goods.  Drawing on the recent theoretical interventions of W. Ayout There (How to Do Things with Material Texts) and Paul Eesestop (The Paper Men), I demonstrate the links between paper arrangement and recently-discovered ritual incantations ("Do the assigned reading!" "Study for the exam!") that hint at the tensions between the liturgical aspects of Academic spiritual life and more spontaneous modes of self-expression.  In particular, I show that we must pay careful attention to this Desk's manipulation of vertical as well as horizontal space, especially the deliberate balancing of high and low stacks. 

PAPER #2: "'I'm so blue': Parsing Bluebook Culture" [Knott Reely, Intergalactic Jupiter University--Eye Branch]

This paper calls into question previous theories about the nature of Bluebooks, which have been found repeatedly in Academic Offices.  According to the Null-Belowzero Hypothesis, first adumbrated in How Blue Was My Valet and Other Academic Mysteries, Bluebooks were ritual offerings from Students to Academics, possibly sacrifices intended to facilitate good luck.  More recently, Goode Idea has argued that Bluebooks were Student intellectual autobiographies, collected by Academics as testimonials to the power of their teaching.  I, however, show that current advances in supramodern materio-textual studies conclusively demonstrate that the "writing" found in Bluebooks was an exercise in spiritual discipline required of Students by all Academics.  By "writing," Students dynamically reconstituted their frequently-oppositional subjectivities in the more complex, yet possibly more hegemonic literary structures associated with Academic thought-production, and therefore elevated themselves to a spiritual plane now commonly associated with Type Three energy beings.  Academics therefore kept such Bluebooks on hand as potent signifiers of Student transcendence. 

PAPER #3: Booking It: A New Theory of Assigned Reading [Lou Minous, graduate student, Halley's University]

Is there any concept so mysterious to the supramodern mind as "assigned reading"? In our post-pedagogical and post-textual era, the function of "assigned reading" seems beyond baffling.  Why would anyone undertake such an activity? What spiritual purpose might it serve? Building on the recent studies of the late O. H. Deere (e.g., Do It Or Else! Why the Ancient Ones Believe in Rules), I use the presence of Books on this Desk to investigate the performative aspects of ritual reading in Late Postmodern Academic culture, emphasizing the transformative potentialities of reading for both Student and Academic practitioners.  Paradoxically, archival research on newly-discovered caches of electronic communications suggests that "assigned reading" may have had its most powerful effect on Academic spiritual development when Students did not do it.  It is my contention that the various testimonials to unread "assigned reading" left by Academics, some of which achieve a remarkable rhetorical force and vitality unequalled in other fields of Academic prose, demonstrate that meditating on this phenomenon led Academics to formulate new modes of Being and, perhaps, Higher Thought.