The Little Professor

Inappropriate Disney Films: A Proposal in the Wake of a Certain Acquisition

As some of you may have noticed, Disney didn't just buy LucasFilm; it promised to make yet more Star Wars films.  (Not that there have been any SW films since Return of the Jedi, of course.)  Allow me to modestly propose that Disney has overlooked a back catalog of intellectual properties that could be easily adapted into animated films. 

1.  THE FILM: Bleak House.

THE PRINCESS: Esther Summerson.

HER PRINCE: Woodcourt.

MERCHANDISING OPPORTUNITY: "Little Jo" dolls, accessorized with a broom that has interchangeable bristles ("clean" bristles, "dirty" bristles).

DISNEYLAND ATTRACTION: The Skimpole Maypole (overlay of Dumbo the Flying Elephant). 

THE SCENARIO: After years of being mistreated by her Evil Guardian, young Esther is befriended by an affectionate talking bear named Jarndyce (song: "The Second Key on the Right"), who brings her to a mysterious castle known as Bleak House.  Bleak House, we soon learn, has long been under the spell of a Scary Witch named Chancery Court (song: "Grim Grinning Guineas").  Esther's warm and loving ways soon bring a new light to the castle--so much so that even the spiders decide to help her clean it (song: "Webbing While You Work").  Meanwhile, Jarndyce, in the guise of a performing bear, entices the young nobleman Woodcourt to the castle.  They all live happily ever after, except for...

DISNEY VILLAIN DEATH: ...Chancery Court, who falls backwards off the balcony after she is frightened by one of Esther's much-loved spiders.

2.  THE FILM: Wuthering Heights.

THE PRINCESS: Catherine Earnshaw (you know, the first one).

HER PRINCE: Heathcliff.

MERCHANDISING OPPORTUNITY: Stuffed bulldogs named Mo, accessorized with multiple collars (a spiked collar, a velvet bowtie, and so on).

DISNEYLAND ATTRACTION: Wuthering Heights dark ride, featuring cute creatures on the moors.  Lots of moors.  Pretty much all moors (replaces the Alice in Wonderland dark ride).

THE SCENARIO: After years of being mistreated by an Evil Orphanage Owner, young Heathcliff runs away and finds himself lost on the moors (song: "Step in Grime").  There, he is discovered by the mysterious young Catherine, who lives in a tumbledown farmhouse, Wuthering Heights, with only her pet mouse Nelly Dean for company (song: "Some Day She'll Drop a Crumb").  Heathcliff immediately falls in love with Catherine; however, he soon discovers that she is under a spell cast by the Scary Wizard Edgar Linton, who decided he wanted Catherine for himself after she was bitten by his pet bulldog Mo.  Now, Catherine can only think of Linton's money (song: "I've Got No Rings").  Luckily, Nelly Dean manages to befriend Mo, and they help Heathcliff find the anecdote to the spell.  They all live happily ever after, except for...

DISNEY VILLAIN DEATH: ...Edgar Linton, who falls backwards into a midden after being attacked by Nelly Dean.

3.  THE FILM: Dracula.

THE PRINCESS: Mina Harker.

HER PRINCE: Dracula (come on, it's trendy now, right?).

MERCHANDISING OPPORTUNITY: A line of "Sweet Blood Red" makeup products for little girls, all conveniently available at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique.

DISNEYLAND ATTRACTION: Seasonal Halloween overlay of the Haunted Mansion. 

THE SCENARIO: After years of being mistreated by an Evil Chiropterist, young Dracula escapes to England, where he has a series of comical misadventures involving his dietary habits (song: "Let It Flow, Let It Flow, Let It Flow").  Dracula finally resolves to leave his vampiric ways and become a vegetarian instead (song: "It's Not Easy Eating Green").  However, he soon attracts the attention of a Scary Lawyer, Jonathan Harker, whose beautiful wife, Mina, is under a terrible spell: she cannot eat anything except paprikash prepared by Jonathan's pet dormouse, Hubert G. Thremnodikins III.  Dracula immediately falls in love with Mina, and realizing that Jonathan was the one who cast the spell, he seeks to liberate her with the help of a friendly talking elephant, Van Hulking ("Hi Diddle Dee Dee, Who's Got a Stake for Me").  Together, Dracula and Van Hulking persuade HGT III to put garlic into the paprikash, which breaks the spell.   They all live happily ever after, except for...

DISNEY VILLAIN DEATH: Jonathan Harker, who falls backwards into the Thames after Van Hulking threatens to sit on him.

4.  THE FILM: Jude the Obscure.

THE PRINCESS: Sue Bridehead.

HER PRINCE: Jude Fawley.

MERCHANDISING OPPORTUNITY: Little Father Time wristwatches.

DISNEYLAND ATTRACTION: Stones of Venice Tower of Terror (renamed version of the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror). 

THE SCENARIO: After years of being mistreated by an Evil Renovator, Jude Fawley runs away to build circus tents.  However, he soon becomes fascinated by a beautiful young woman, Sue Bridehead, who is absolutely not his cousin.  Sue makes magical paintings that predict the future (song: "Who's Been Painting My Future Sched?"), and one day sees a Scary Architect (known only as Camden Society) trap Jude in a ruined building.  Fearing for Jude's safety, Sue and her best friend, a cuddly owl named Little Father Time, seek out the Scary Architect (song: "The Flying Buttresses Song").  Together, they manage to avert Camden Society's plot and bring Jude home,  making Sue Bridehead a feminist action princess^TM.  They all live happily ever after, except for...

DISNEY VILLAIN DEATH: ...Camden Society, who falls backwards off a gargoyle after being spooked by Little Father Time.

5.  THE FILM:  Dubliners.

THE PRINCESS: N/A.

THE PRINCE: N/A.

MERCHANDISING OPPORTUNITY: "The Dead" snowglobes, featuring Mickey Mouse (as Gabriel Conroy) and Minnie Mouse (as Gretta Conroy) in cheerful Christmas costumes.

DISNEYLAND ATTRACTION: New costumes for the relevant meet-and-greet cartoon characters.

THE SCENARIO: Billed as "Fantasia for the twenty-first century," Dubliners combines classic hand-drawn Disney animation, the 3D experience, and atmospheric music by Elton John.   Beloved Disney characters like Goofy, Donald Duck, the Mad Hatter, and, of course, Mickey and Minnie romp through musical settings of James Joyce's short stories.  Notable episodes include "Eveline" (Ariel the mermaid finds a prince, escapes the sea, and lives happily ever after), "The Boarding House" (Daisy Duck's mother  introduces her to a fine young goose, and they live  happily ever after), "A Painful Case" (Scrooge McDuck meets a lonely Cinderella, discovers the meaning of friendship, and lives happily ever after), and, of course, "The Dead" (Mickey and Minnie Mouse go to a party, sing Christmas carols in the snow, and live happily ever after).

DISNEY VILLAIN DEATH: None.  There is nothing downbeat whatsoever about this film. 

Future titles for Clandestine Classics: A modest proposal

Perhaps I was unfair to the Clandestine Classics version of Jane Eyre--too critical, too harsh, too mean in my appraisal.  In the spirit of charity, I hereby offer some suggestions for their future catalog.*

1) Fifty Shades of Agnes Grey: This tale of a prim young governess reveals the hidden subplot of her escapades with a series of dominating male employers, until she finally discovers true love with a handsome young clergyman.  But he has dark secrets of his own (including a strange obsession with epsom salts), which, once revealed, force them to assume new identities and escape to London.  Hence the sequel...

2) Fifty Shades of Dorian Gray:  Years later, after a series of mishaps and newly-invented labyrinthine plot points, Agnes' son Dorian wishes for eternal youth--and good times.  Modern readers can't help wondering what, exactly, Dorian was getting up to with all those lissome young ladies.  The answer involves submission, allusions to "sex gods," and, for some reason, sparkly vampires.  But when Dorian discovers his own secret urgings, including an intense passion for ricotta cheese, he's set on a collision course with his own portrait. 

3) Varney the Vamp: New and improved version of the original classic literary monument crown jewel of Victorian culture (look, it's old, OK? Work with me on this), Varney the Vampire.  Readers have always suspected that all the bloodsucking had to be a metaphor for something a little more exotic.  Additional scenes reveal a hitherto-unknown Victorian subculture of vampire fetishists, indulging their hot-blooded  tendencies at the dead of night.  You might have thought that Flora's "anguish" at the sight of "a man staggering into the room bleeding, and bearing the marks of a bloody contest, and sinking at her feet" was unhappiness--but no...

4) A Male of Two Cities: Just how did Sydney Carton manage to comfort himself after Lucie Manette married Charles Darnay? The hitherto-suppressed answer involves blondes, romantic courtroom scenes, the occasional grave-robbing, and, of course, a guillotine--although not necessarily in that order.

5) Great Consummations: Dickens neglected to describe how Pip's benefactor provided for his dear boy's gentlemanly education in other, shall we say, refinements.  For the first time, find out just when and where Pip and Herbert Pocket got themselves into debt...

6) Sylvia's Lovers: This version of Gaskell's classic historical novel, set during the French Revolution, fleshes out (ahem) the novel's love triangle with over one hundred pages of intense material.  Readers will be intrigued to discover that Philip was nowhere near so uninteresting as he seemed at first glance--but they'll be even more interested in what he and Kinraid were really doing overseas.

7) Prude the Obscure: Just how did Jude overcome his late-Victorian taboos? Let's just say some previously-unheard of doings at Oxford helped him along.  Readers will be particularly intrigued by the sensual undertones of our co-author's descriptions of church restoration.  Oh, those ogees...

*--NOT REALLY.  PLEASE NO. 

The Syllabus of the (Very Far) Future

[I was thinking about the syllabi for a couple of new preps that I'm teaching next year, when all of a sudden, my mind was taken over by an energy being...from the future! And this is what I wrote instead...]

INTRODUCTION TO THE TRANSGLOBAL NOVEL I: FROM DANIEL DEFOE TO T’PETH

INSTRUCTOR: Dr. Lil Prawf

OFFICE HOURS: In-person hours MWF 1:00-2:00; online hours M 3:30-5:30; telepathic hours W 3:30-5:30.   No telepathic contact outside of those hours, please.

ROOM: 109B Sarek Hall. 

FEED: You can access the intergalactic feed for this course at channel X333921.  If you have technical difficulties, please ping IT, not the instructor.

COURSE DESCRIPTION: There is a fierce debate in literary studies about whether or not long prose works from non-Terran cultures can be analyzed according to the same criteria as the Terran “novel.”  (What can scholars of the genre do, for example, with the Cardassian novel, with its refusal of suspense and its outright embrace of what---to Terrans—seems to be boring repetition?)  This semester will introduce students to novelistic genres from a variety of galactic cultures, reading them through the lens of what the Vulcan literary theorist Simalak calls zh’layan, or “transglobal interdiscursive nodes of narrative contact.”  Readings from Terran, Vulcan, Klingon, Andorian, and Cardassian texts.  One holodeck simulation, two papers, exams, interpretive dance quizzes.  Fulfills the Early Transglobal Literatures to 2000 requirement.  Prerequisite: Introduction to Literary and Three-Dimensional Media Analysis. 

REQUIRED TEXTS:

• Simalak, The Theory of Transglobal Literatures: New Postgalactic Approaches, trans. Y. Ru Reedingthis (Luna UP, 2371)
• B’Spaq, The Errors, trans. Alexander Rozhenko (Harvard U at Qo’NoS  P, 2385)
• Ch’rae Aran Zh’faiane, How Blue Were My Hills, Standard ed. (U of Chicago P—Global Literatures Division, 2362)
• Daniel Defoe, Robinson Crusoe, 238^th ed. (Oxford Milky Way Classics, 2380)
• Marek, The Saga of Burnt Gul, trans. Chris Cross (New Horizons in Cardassian Literature, 2382)
• T’Peth, Look Skyward Lematya, Standard ed. (The Library of Vulcan Classics, 2371)

IMPORTANT NOTE:

It has come to my attention that students have been using codex editions of the texts instead of the standard digital editions.  In addition to being impractical and bulky, codices are more likely to contain errors that cannot be corrected within the university’s mandatory timeframe (at least one day after notification).  Moreover, codices are considered an Optional Expense under the university’s Credit Allowance Code (see Handbook of Student Policies, section 993.Z), and therefore use credits that you could otherwise put toward spring break trips to Risa.  In general, it is much easier for all concerned if you come to class with your digital editions loaded on your PADDs.

ASSIGNMENTS:

• Two papers: 50 points each
• Holodeck simulation: 25 points
• Midterm exam (take-home): 100 points
• Final exam: 150 points
• Interpretive dance quizzes: up to 50 points
• Message board participation: 10 points
• In-class participation: 10 points

NOTE: There is no extra credit available for this course under any circumstances.   Late work is not permitted; please contact the Department of Temporal Investigations if you need to use a rift in the space-time continuum and/or the Guardian of Forever in order to submit work on time.   Interpretive dance quizzes must be performed on the day assigned, but may be transmitted via holographic feed, if necessary.   

IMPORTANT NOTE IN RE: HOLODECK SIMULATIONS: Please make sure that your holodeck simulations do not result in property damage, holograms running amok, and/or the deaths of fellow students.  You will be docked at least fifty points in the event of any serious injuries.  For examples of what to avoid, I suggest that you consult the recently-declassified Enterprise NCC-1701-D archives, especially those under the heading of “Moriarty.”

CONTACT POLICY: I answer all e-mails within twenty-four standard hours on weekdays, and forty-eight standard hours on weekends.  Off-planet students should check their galactic calendars and plan accordingly.  Do not send me repeated e-mails asking why I have not responded; do not send me e-mails demanding responses before the twenty-four hour mark; do not send me e-mails asking if I have received your e-mails. 

Telepathic and empathic students should not contact me via psi methods outside of stated office hours.  Please recollect that Terrans do not normally communicate in this manner, and do not appreciate receiving random bursts of rage about grades whilst in the middle of baking cookies, driving holocars, or sleeping.

PAPER SUBMISSIONS:  All papers must be written in Standard and uploaded to the appropriate dropbox at the stipulated time.  It is your responsibility to see that your paper is correctly formatted in Milky Way Galaxy Language Association style (93^rd ed.); if you don’t know the current guidelines, please use one of the citation generators available on the library homepage.  Remember, late work is not allowed.  “The sehlat ate my PADD” is not an excuse, nor is “I lost all of my books in a transporter malfunction.”

POLICIES ON ACADEMIC INTEGRITY: As per the Handbook of Student Policies (section 19,301), the following constitute a breach of the university’s regulations on academic integrity:

• Plagiarism (including self-plagiarism)
• Copying another student’s examination
• Using psi methods to obtain answers for examinations
• Using telepathic projections in order to distract an examination proctor
• Using pheromones to manipulate or distract instructors, administrators, or fellow students
• Engaging in any other form of mind control that interferes with academic integrity
• Teleporting into an instructor’s office to steal examinations
• Engineering transporter breakdowns in order to interfere with an examination session
• Programming holographic doubles and other AIs to produce coursework
• Using replicators to generate “original” creative works

Any violation of university policy will result in an automatic “F” in the course. 

ELECTRONIC DEVICES: Students are required to bring PADDs to class.  Communicators should be set to vibrate or turned off entirely; any beeping communicators will be confiscated immediately.  Holovideo recording requires instructor’s permission.  Unauthorized postings of any holovideos to the InterGalacTicTubes will result in a lawsuit, so don’t even think about it.

WEAPONRY: Due to several unfortunate incidents, Klingons and Romulans are politely requested to leave all knives, swords, axes, and similar gear at home.  Active Starfleet personnel are permitted to bring one regulation phaser with them, but it must be turned off at all times.  Using a phaser on an instructor or fellow student is grounds for immediate expulsion (see Handbook of Student Policies, section 1A.)

POLICY ON EXCUSED ABSENCES: Attendance is mandatory for students registered for onsite instruction.  However, students are allowed an unlimited number of excused absences.   Acceptable excuses include personal or family illness, religious holidays, transporter malfunctions, Borg attacks, unexpected aging and/or regression to childhood, temporary mind and/or body swaps, pon farr, encounters with members of the Q Continuum, being trapped on the other side of a wormhole and/or in an alternate universe, and injuries related to holodeck malfunction. 

 

 

 

Next year's classes

As I know my readers often appreciate a glimpse at what I'm teaching, let me offer this preview of next year's exciting lineup.

• Write Your Own Adventure: A Student-Centered Learning Experience.  Bored with reading stuffy old Victorian novels? Can't bear the sight of one more Shakespeare play? This class is for you! Students will develop syllabi keyed to their own interests, craft their own assignments, and even handle their own grading.  The instructor will drop in now and again to convey priceless pearls of wisdom.  No requirements unless you want to have requirements! No reading unless you want to have reading! And, of course, no exams unless you...you get the idea.  Fulfills any distribution requirement you feel like having it fulfill.
• I'll Bring Popcorn: Best Strategies for Internet Flame Wars.  Many students feel that college composition courses don't have adequate real-world applications.  In this class, we'll focus on developing your skills in three key areas: invective, outrage, and name-calling.  But with grammar.  Over the course of the semester, students will participate in at least six online mudslinging events, preferably on subjects about which they have chosen to remain ignorant.  Points will be deducted for signs of rational thought, charity, or sense of proportion.  This course is a prerequisite for Advanced Astroturfing.
• Relatable Literature.  This course is devoted to fiction to which students can relate.  All assigned texts will accurately reflect the one true undergraduate experience.  There will be nothing strange, untoward, bizarre, or otherwise unreflective of the one true undergraduate experience.  I guarantee that students will be able to completely identify with all events, characters, and ideas in each and every text.  Assignments will include the complete works of Dan Brown and Stephenie Meyer.  By the end of the semester, students will complete a quantitative research project gauging the precise relatability of each work.
• The Victorian Cosplay Experience.    In this class, we will remedy the paucity of opportunities for students to display their skills in cobbling, dressmaking, and haberdashery.  Instead of close reading, students will analyze novels by Carroll, Dickens, and Braddon, among others, by building costumes based on the texts and then staging elaborate set pieces for their fellow students.  This is your opportunity to have a Mad Tea Party, die a terribly sentimental death, or drop someone down a well.  (In a classroom.  And not for real.  No lawsuits, please.)  Patterns available on request.
• The Great Novels of Edward Bulwer-Lytton.  An ideal class for students who need three credits of coursework, but don't have the time to do any reading.  Seriously, have you looked at the title? 

Things I have learned about college lecturing from watching CSI

• To achieve the best dramatic effects, lecture with only minimal lighting, leaving the students with no way to see their notes.  If at all possible, arrange for your own personal spotlight.  
• Dust motes are necessary for atmosphere; request that the custodians refrain from vacuuming, mopping, or otherwise cleaning the room.
• Be sure to have a REALLY BIG SCREEN on which to display your exciting multimedia illustrations.
• Your students will, of course, have the kind of comfortable seats one expects in movie theaters. 
• Notes on the chalkboard should be arranged with a Michelangelo-esque attention to aesthetics. 
• Deliver your lectures with the same degree of seriousness that you would use to declare the onset of World War III.
• Rest assured that students will be absolutely spellbound by your performance.  They will not text, doodle, giggle, gossip, or snooze.  In fact, many of them will nod and sigh in awe of your incredible profundity, whether or not you have actually said anything worth remembering. 
• All of your students will be tastefully dressed in the latest preppy fashions.  For some reason, they will also appear to be in their late twenties or early thirties, even though they are really only eighteen.

Reasons Why Stats Peak on Wednesdays

Ever since the dawn of time--or, at least, since the dawn of this blog--the stats have always peaked on Wednesdays.  I have some theories:

1.  Unexpected influence of Odin on academic blog readers.

2.  At midweek, academics are desperate enough that they need to read blogs, but not yet desperate enough to drop everything and head for the bars.

3.  A general sense of woe?

4.  Because it's the middle of the week, everyone feels perched on a peak of perilous equilibrium.  Therefore, they read blogs in order to tip themselves over, one way or the other.

5.  Everyone is procrastinating on Thursday and Friday course prep.

6.  Some kind of Foucauldian distribution of power-knowledge.

7.  Academics realizing that they have scheduled all of their students' papers to arrive, once again, on Wednesday; they turn to blog reading as solace.

8.  The expectation that I will be unusually brilliant on Wednesday? (As opposed to dull the other days?)

9.  Manifesting the ineluctable power of centrism.

10.  The ongoing war between superego, id, and ego resulting in a stalemate that leaves the reader no other mode of intellectual activity than reading blogs.  On Wednesdays. 

The Horrid Dungeon of the Syllabi!!! A Fragment of a Gothick Romance

Editor's note: The following fragment came into my hands after an archeological expedition to Brock-Port discovered a miraculously still-functional electronic device, known to the ancients as a "laptop computer," which contained several documents of a most curious description.  Although the bytes were considerably degraded, we were able to decode the narrative below, which throws a most shocking light upon the manners and customs of academic life in the twenty-first century.

...Icy winds, as cutting and uncaring as an anonymous peer review, blasted around the crumbling brick towers.  They piled the dank, dirty snow into treacherous heaps,  concealing deadly ice patches that threatened the lives of any innocents who dared venture beyond the doors.   But those trapped inside were held fast by cruel orders, and heavy chains, and evil spells beyond description.  For this was the Dungeon of the Syllabi, to which all faculty who left writing their syllabi to the day before classes were consigned.  Woe!...

...Shivering in her chilly cell, Elle P. hunched over her laptop, staring bleary-eyed at a syllabus for the Gothic Novel.  Her chains of USB cords clacked softly as she sought to relieve her aching back. Beyond the steel door, she heard the wails of fellow inmates, bemoaning their fates as they pounded unceasingly at their uncaring keyboards.  Some of them, it was rumored, had been sent to the dread Dungeon every semester for years and years upon end.  Elle shuddered at the thought of the bitter torments that awaited those who failed to complete their miserable task: incomplete assignments! Late papers! Sneering student evaluations! The disdain of her colleagues! Whimpering softly as she bemoaned her fate, all the more horrid for being self-induced, Elle burst into a song of despair--but her voice soon died away, for she had never been very good at rhyming on the fly...

...Finally, the gnawing pains in her belly drove Elle to abandon her office in search of what sustenance the Dungeon had to offer.  Timidly, she crept out into the halls, trembling as the howls and shrieks of the other lost souls escalated in volume.  She inched past the mysterious, fading posters attached to the walls, which blazoned forth the agonies suffered by prisoners past, and, fearing to take the clanking elevator--for who knows if it might suffer some mysterious breakdown, trapping her there to die of starvation!--she crept down the steps.  There, standing before her, were vending machines, filled with unhealthy food intended to inflict cavities, sugar rushes, and halitosis on all who dared consume it.  But the demands of the syllabi forced Elle to indulge...

...Behind her, a SOUND! Elle whirled about and found herself faced with some unearthly creature, tall and indistinct of form, its features obscured with a scarf, its body wrapped in a heavy coat, its feet encased in fuzzy boots.  Her thoughts spun and crashed uselessly into each other in what remained of her brain.  Was this the ghost rumored to haunt the building's halls? Was it some vampire, out to suck her life's blood? Or, even worse, was it the embodiment of the feared SERVER OUTAGE, which had been known to destroy faculty lives with one zap of its electronic paw? Elle's senses swam, and she felt herself swooning to the floor, at the mercy of this strange beast, when it spoke:

"I'm, like, looking for the computer lab.  Is it, um, on this floor?"

Not trusting herself to speak, Elle pointed one trembling finger in the direction of the computer lab.

"Cool, dude! Thanks."

...

...She had completed her task! The curse would soon be lifted! Elle once again attempted to lift her voice in song, but ceased when the next cell's occupant complained that she was off-key.  Nevertheless, she joyously printed out her syllabi and skipped to the door, contemplating her future after her release from the Dungeon.   Never again would she fall prey to that dire demon, Procrastination.  Her life would be one of virtue, cheerfulness, and, above all, punctuality.  As she neared the office ahead, she saw other inmates, all congratulating each other with great excitement over their impending depatures from this fearsome pile. 

Yet, all of a sudden, a terrific SHRIEK arose from amidst the crowd.  The congratulations turned to screams, moans, and gasps of agony beyond mortal description.  Elle rushed to the office as she saw one sufferer after another faint to the floor, clutching their syllabi in their cold hands.  What could it be? What new evil? Why were faculty being brought low at the very moment of their triumph?

And then--she SAW.  Shaken to her core, she sobbed witlessly for a moment, then swooned (again) to the floor.  For the punishment dreaded beyond all others had been inflicted upon them.  Upon the photocopier, there was a sign, inked in a red more bloody than any human blood:

"Photocopier broken.  We've called the repairman.  Sorry!"

How to write a Dracula pastiche

At some point in the future, I'm going to write an article about  Dracula pastiches.  (Believe it or not, the project develops directly out of my usual line of work.)  This is not that article.  I have observed, however, that many of these pastiches appear to be adhering to some sort of script:

1.  Dracula is Mina Harker's One Twoo Wuv.  She cannot live without him, nor he live die undie without her.  He may demonstrate his Grand Passion by kidnapping her, attempting to murder Jonathan Harker, sucking her blood on a regular basis, and/or other acts of a similarly sentimental nature.

2.  Dracula has been Badly Misunderstood, victimized by evil anti-vampire factions in the Victorian media.  Any behaviors that might conceivably be regarded as undesirable, such as Rampant Impaling, should be regarded in the light of Minor Youthful Missteps.

3.  Although vampires do not sparkle, they are always Sexy. 

4.  Mina Harker is a New Woman, and therefore interested in Sex.  This demonstrates that she is not a Repressed Victorian.  But she also yearns for a Traditional Monogamous Relationship with her Man/Vampire of Choice, which makes her Liberated in a Good Way.  Therefore, she gets a Good Ending with her Man/Vampire of Choice. 

5.  Lucy Westenra is also interested in Sex, which demonstrates that she is not a Repressed Victorian.  But she succumbs to Vampires Who Are Not Her Fiance, which makes her Liberated in a Bad Way.   Therefore, she needs to Die Very Unpleasantly.

6.  Vampire Sex is very Hot, and may cause Swooning.  It may also cause women to feel as though they are Shaking, Burning, or Exploding, which suggests that Hot Vampire Sex should take place only in non-flammable environments equipped with shatterproof glass.

7.  Jonathan Harker does not supply Hot Vampire Sex, and so must be a) a Wimp, b) Boring, and/or c) Sexually Unadventurous.  In fact, he may need to die, freeing Mina to live die undie with her One Twoo Wuv (see #1). He may be redeemed, however, if he shows himself willing to take lessons from Mina after she has had Hot Vampire Sex. 

8.  Female Vampires are notoriously Depraved, especially when they engage in regular Hot Vampire Sex.  Bonus points if the Female Vampire is Elizabeth Bathory.

9.  All human males, especially if Aristocratic, are Lustful, Murderous, and/or Inconstant, unless they are named Jonathan Harker (in which case, see #7) or are American.  Apparently, American males resist Lust, Murder, and Inconstancy, possibly because they are from the New World and so are not yet Degenerate, let alone Aristocratic.

10.  Van Helsing is not a Good Man, but a Repressed Victorian, which is Bad (unless you are Lucy, in which case see #5).  He may be tempted by Hot Vampire Sex, which makes him feel Lustful (see #9) and therefore drives him to Serial Staking, or he may be Obsessed, which also drives him to Serial Staking.  Asking him to give blood transfusions is a Bad Idea, and results in a Very Unpleasant Death. 

Alternate titles for courses with no books

The low point of my otherwise fine education at the University of Chicago came when a professor on the brink of retirement screwed up his book order.  When we, in some puzzlement, inquired as to the whereabouts of the books, he shrugged and said, "Eh.  We just won't use any."

Needless to say, this arrangement predated GoogleBooks and company.  I retitled the course, appropriately enough, "The Course with No Books." 

Right now, my courses are also without books.  I sincerely hope this is a temporary arrangement.  In the meantime, perhaps I should rename them...

Reimagining British Literature, Because We Have None to Read

The Poetics of Invisibility

Erasing the Canon

Post-Textual Studies in British Literature

Making Words Mean Many Different Things: The Collaborative Reconstruction of British Literature in the Twenty-First Century Classroom

An Instructor Reads Aloud: Reviving Medieval Pedagogy for the Modern Day

Literary Study by Vulcan Mind-Meld: A Group Experiment

Mediums and Media: Studying Victorian Poetry through Seances

 

A Starfleet Captain Attempts to Get a Book, ca. 2481

FROM: Captain Solok

TO: Chief Information Officer Siwik

RE: The T'Kumbra Monthly Bookclub Reading Selection

In the light of recent events, it has come to my attention that our officers might appreciate some relatively undemanding Terran reading for this month's selection.  With this in mind, please ensure universal crew access to James Joyce's Finnegans Wake.

FROM: Chief Information Officer Siwik

TO: Captain Solok

RE: One cannot even begin to post Finnegans Wake

I regret to say that current Terran copyright legislation forbids the sale of all works by Joyce to species with eidectic memories.  Reading Finnegans Wake and remembering it is considered tantamount to making a second copy; at best, we would be forced to sign contracts promising that all memories of the work would be erased upon completion.  Obviously, this discriminatory legislation is being appealed in the Federation courts, but until it is successfully overturned, I believe that most of our crew would object strongly to such invasive procedures.

FROM: Captain Solok

TO: Chief Information Officer Siwik

RE: These words do not compute

I am puzzled by your use of "copyright legislation" and "sale" in your recent communication, as neither one exists in Gene Roddenberry's universe.  Please clarify.

FROM: Chief Information Offier Siwik

TO: Captain Solok

RE: Fan mail

It would seem that the lords of our universe, having spent sufficient time reading fan mail pointing  out that Federation economics appear totally unworkable, have decided to neglect canon.

In the meantime, I have requested three requests for information regarding this month's bookclub reading.

FROM: Captain Solok

TO: Chief Information Officer Siwik

RE: Alternative novel

As time is pressing, I suggest that we pursue something concise.  Samuel Richardson's Clarissa should not be unduly burdensome.

FROM: Chief Information Officer Siwik

TO: Captain Solok

RE: Copyright laws and holograms

Unfortunately, the Hologram Intellectual Property Act mandates that sentient holograms of deceased authors be treated as identical to those authors for the purposes of copyright law.  The Samuel Richardson hologram currently resident at the Sam Richardson Eighteenth-Century Experience (which, I gather, is some sort of live entertainment, featuring costumed performers and authentic English cuisine of the period) qualifies under the Act.  Under the circumstances, licensing fees will in all likelihood be most prohibitive, unless we cancel our annual subscription to Vulcan Chocolatier. 

FROM: Captain Solok

TO: Chief Information Officer Siwik

RE: Howl, howl, howl

William Shakespeare's King Lear, I trust, is safely out of copyright.

FROM: Chief Information Officer Siwik

TO: Captain Solok

RE: And my poor fool is not dead

Perhaps you are unaware of the current controversy surrounding Shakespeare and the Clones' Rights to Intellectual Propery Protection Bill? Recent advances in cloning technology have enabled scientists to clone Shakespeare from microbes discovered at what is believed  to be his home in Stratford, thereby bringing his work back under copyright protections.  Unfortunately, quarrels among various schools of Shakespearean authorship have led to the cloning of multiple "Shakespeares," including a Wilhelmina Shakespeare, all of whom have filed in court for the rights to royalties for performances of Shakespeare's plays.  As a result, there is currently a galaxy-wide moratorium on the production and printing of any play by Shakespeare, although I gather that one of the clones has written a new comedy, The Taming of the Gorn.

FROM: Captain Solok

TO: Chief Officer Siwik

RE: Somebody out there must be dead

Please tell me that Charlotte Bronte, at least, remains safely underground, so that we may read Jane Eyre.

FROM: Chief Officer Siwik

TO: Captain Solok

RE: Reader, I unburied him

There is currently some uproar about the copyright status of Charlotte Bronte's work, as she was recently found to be not dead, but undead.  When the vampiric Miss Bronte left the moors to approach the Federation Copyright Office, they initially concluded that as she was, technically, dead, her work had fallen into the public domain (a precedent set by FCO vs. Zombie Robert Browning).  However, Miss Bronte has since sued the FCO, arguing that the undead maintain their intellectual property rights until they have been disintegrated, shot with silver bullets, staked, or otherwise consigned to their final resting place.  The case is pending.

I hear, however, that Beowulf remains in the public domain...