The Little Professor

A Booke of Proofreading Magick

(Issued as a special appendix to A Compendium of Professorial Magic, available wherever fine gaming accessories are sold.)

O-LEVEL PROOFREADING SPELLS

• HOUSE STYLIZE.  Reformats entire manuscript to suit publishing house style.  Roll a D12 Citation Check if the manuscript needs to be changed from Chicago to MLA format, or vice-versa.
• SPELLCHECKAZAM.  Ensures that both the word and the spelling are correct.  May be blocked if Microsoft Word successfully casts a counter-spell of GOOD MANORS.
• BLOCK PROCRASTINATION: Denies the user access to Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube for the spell's duration.  Does not protect against spells of BARHOPPING or MOVIEGOING.
• NO DOZE: Protects the user against spells of BOREDOM cast by the MALEVOLENT class of MANUSCRIPT MONSTERS (see Rules, 58th ed., for more information).  Has the same effect as drinking a +3 CUP OF JOE (usually found only on COFFEE SHOP LEVELS).  However, the spell has a 20% chance of misfiring, in which case it will instead DAZE the user.

1st-LEVEL PROOFREADING SPELLS

• SUPERSTET: Automatically STETs all changes to the user's prose style.  Despite its low level, this spell should only be used by PROFESSORS of Level 15 (ACADEMIC SUPERSTAR) and higher, as it frequently results in a -25 penalty to PROFESSOR-COPYEDITOR RELATIONS. 
• PARENTHETICIZE: Transforms any style into MLA format; may be useful in conjunction with HOUSE STYLIZE, above. 
• BIBLIOGRAPHY CHECK: Matches all bibliographical entries to the appropriate data in the user's discipline-specific databases.  Interdisciplinary users must roll a D20 Transgressing Boundaries check in order to obtain results in more than one field; otherwise, there is a +5 chance of EMBARRASSING ERRORS.
• FLOATING TEXT: Particularly helpful to users working on scholarly editions.  The spell creates a hologram of the copytext, which can be laid on or next to the user's own manuscript. 

2nd-LEVEL PROOFREADING SPELLS

• DETECT BRILLIANCE.  Identifies scintillating ideas in need of further clarification.  However, users who fail a D12 Spot Obfuscation check will add +10 to any REVIEWER's resistance rolls.
• ACTIVATE.  Translates all sentences in passive voice to active.  Must be used with caution, as the spell will work even when the sentence would make more sense in passive voice.
• OKEYDOKEY: Accepts all COPYEDITOR's stylistic changes to the manuscript, with a temporary bonus of +10 charisma points to the user.  Many PROFESSORS find themselves incapable of casting this spell. 
• NUMERACY: Automatically fixes errors in page number references.  Especially helpful when used in conjunction with BIBLIOGRAPHY CHECK, above.

3rd-LEVEL PROOFREADING SPELLS

• PROJECTION.  Telepathically conveys the PROFESSOR's original intentions to the COPYEDITOR.  Highly advisable if the PROFESSOR is utilizing a BLESSED PEN OF JARGONIFICATION (q.v.).  Unfortunately, this spell does not work on REVIEWERS.
• GO TO LIBRARY.  Teleports the PROFESSOR to whichever library holds a rare reference which s/he transcribed a dozen years ago, and now has doubts about.  PROFESSORS not yet experienced enough to use this spell should contact someone capable of SUMMONING LIBRARIAN.  Users must roll a D6 Shelf Check to see if the reference is still available.  There is a 15% chance that the spell will misfire, sending the user to the wrong library.
• FOOTNOTE FRENZY.  Wherever possible, adds references to works by PROFESSORS at LEVEL 10 (BIG NAME) or higher, even if the works in question are of only limited relevance.  A double-edged spell: if the spell succeeds, it adds +10 to the user's charisma, but there is a +5 chance that a REVIEWER may counter-attack with an ACCUSATION OF BROWN-NOSING (q.v.); if the spell fails, there is a +10 chance that a REVIEWER will fire a ROCKET OF HIGH DUDGEON (q.v.).  Interdisciplinary scholars have a +30 chance of failure.
• SPELL NAMES.  Automatically corrects all misspelled names in the text.  Failure to cast this spell may, at the very least, result in a sneak attack by a SHADOW OF HUMILIATION (q.v.).  If the user does not cast the spell, or the spell fails, roll D10 to check whether or not one of the misspelled names belongs to a REVIEWER. 

 

 

 

 

 

James Malcolm Rymer meets Arthur Conan Doyle: The Hound of the Baskervilles; Or, the Bloody Curse at the Hall

I am currently teaching James Malcolm Rymer's (er, maybe) Varney, the Vampyre.   And, of course, I am teaching Sherlock Holmes.  Rymer's prose style sets new records for word inflation.  Although his paragraphs are usually quite short, his characters engage in meaningless dialogue, repeat themselves (and other people) endlessly, and inject vapidities everywhere, all in the name of getting each installment to the right length.  Conan Doyle, by contrast, is most economical with his language.  The Rymer/Conan Doyle combination on my teaching schedule has led me to contemplate a proposition that may or may not be brought on by delirium: how would Rymer have written The Hound of the Baskervilles? I offer a sample below.

***

My dear--very dear--quite precious, in fact--friend, Mr. Sherlock Holmes--he of whose exploits I have written in many a narrative, which you may purchase at the nearest bookstall to peruse amidst the noise and bustle of your railway commute--my dear friend, Mr. Sherlock Holmes, as I was saying, who normally slept the sleep of the dead until all hours of the day, unless he he had burnt the midnight oil and thus remained awake until the glorious sun's rising heralded the dawn, was eating toast and jam.  I, who lacked toast and jam and, in any event, preferred marmalade, contemplated the cane that lay before me.

"It is a cane," said Holmes.

"A cane?"

"A cane."

"Indeed."

"Your thoughts?" Holmes inquired.

"About the lack of marmalade?"

"True, I had deduced that you were displeased about the marmalade by the peculiar shifting motions you were making with your feet.  But I meant the cane."

"The cane?"

Holmes sighed.  "The cane."

"I believe it has an owner."

"Excellent, Watson--excellent."

"Its owner is a doctor."

"True, true."

"A wealthy and highly-vaunted doctor."

"Amazing.  A wealthy and highly-vaunted doctor?"

"A wealthy and highly-vaunted doctor."

"Watson!"

"Yes?"

"You are brilliant."

"Holmes!"

"Yes?"

"Finally, you agree!"

Holmes smirked.  "Pray continue."

My self-love now considerably inflated, I continued.  "He is fond of perambulation."

"Perambulation?"

"Walking."

"Thank you, Watson," Holmes said, rolling his eyes, "the word is in my vocabulary."

"As the engraving upon the cane attests, our doctor has been gifted this fine cane from the local hunt, which no doubt appreciated his skill in patching up the broken heads of its members."

Holmes arched one fine eyebrow, stretched out an immaculately-trousered leg, and tapped his right index finger against the table, thereby dangerously jostling the toast and jam.  "Watson, you have out-scintillated yourself on this fine morning. I am impressed.  Impressed, I say.  Impressed!"

"I am glad to hear it, Holmes.  Glad.  Very glad."

"You are, of course, three-quarters in error, but I am impressed, all the same."

"I am glad--wait, three-quarters in error?"

"Three-quarters."

"Not two-thirds? Or perhaps one-half?"

"Neither two-thirds nor one-half."

I deflated.  Manly tears sprang to my half-lidded eyes.  I turned away, weeping, and attempted to console myself by smashing Holmes' pipe-rack to the ground.  Holmes, no doubt distraught at the loss of his pipes--a calabash not among them, despite the wicked misrepresentations of that mountebank William Gillette--nevertheless sprang to my side with offers of coffee, fresh eggs, and toast and jam (but no marmalade).

"No, no, Watson--no--no! Forgive me--forgive! I meant not to cause you such stabs of pain."

I sobbed incoherently. 

"Watson!" Holmes cried, nudging with one booted foot at the shattered remnants of his treasured smoking paraphernalia.  "Watson!"

My skin paled.  I swayed, then swooned to the ground, overwhelmed.  My chest heaved--my eyes closed--my heart hammered.  Dimly, I heard the rustling sounds of our good landlady's skirts, before I was revived by a wholesome splatter of marmalade across my face...

 

 

 

Proofreading: A Text Adventure

You are sitting at a desk.  In front of you, there is a laptop computer with an internet connection.  To the NORTH, mirrored closet doors reflect your angsty expression.  There is a window to the EAST.  A closed door is to the WEST.

There are seven hundred pages of ROBERT ELSMERE here.

>go W

You are unable to open the door.

>look E

The window is shut, and ROBERT ELSMERE keeps it.

>this is not LOTR

No, but it's in the spirit of the thing.

>look computer

You begin to watch ballet videos on YouTube.  Suddenly, the connection fizzles out with a sharp CRACKLE. A MYSTERIOUS NOTE appears on your screen.

>read mysterious note

"This is the voice of your all-powerful publisher.  Proofread Robert Elsmere immediately, or you will be cursed to spend all eternity correcting OCR errors."

>read ROBERT ELSMERE

You read ROBERT ELSMERE.  You find a MISSING COMMA.

>insert comma

You read ROBERT ELSMERE.  You find an UNNECESSARY COMMA.

>delete comma

You read ROBERT ELSMERE.  You find a MISSING COMMA.

>insert comma

You read ROBERT ELSMERE. You find an UNNECESSARY COMMA.

>delete comma

You read ROBERT ELSMERE.  You find a MISSING COMMA.

>dude, seriously?

Like, totally.

You read ROBERT ELSMERE.  You find SOMETHING THAT LOOKS ODD.

>check copytext

Yup, that was odd.

>fix typo

You read ROBERT ELSMERE.  You find an INCORRECT SEMI-COLON.

>#*!!

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

>check page

You are on page three.

>#*!!

Have you seen a doctor about your blood pressure?

>check twitter

For some reason, Firefox refuses to let you access Twitter.  You'll just have to continue proofreading.

>eat chocolate

Sorry, there's no chocolate here.  Just keep proofreading ROBERT ELSMERE.

>xyzzy

What exactly was that supposed to accomplish?

For some reason, you hear a hollow voice say, "Plugh."

>read ROBERT ELSMERE

There are six hundred and ninety-seven pages of ROBERT ELSMERE here.

You read ROBERT ELSMERE.  You find a MISSING COMMA...

 

 

I Am Scrooge: A Zombie Story for Christmas

My first impulse was to describe Adam Roberts' I Am Scrooge: A Zombie Story for Christmas as a "charming concoction."  Except that the book has multiple graphic incidents of various people having their faces chewed off by zombies, which I suspect most readers would not find charming.  Impaled, blasted, and bludgeoned zombies are probably also low on most charm meters.  And yet...despite the zombocalyptic goings-on, this novel's essentially lighthearted approach to its blood-and-guts (OK, brain-and-guts) subject matter is, well, charming. 

Strictly speaking, the entire genre of zombie/vampire-and-classic lit mashups qualifies as undead literature, and not just because of all the bloodsuckers and brainsuckers shambling about: these are works purportedly re-animated by injections of gore, but the result is at best a Frankenstein's monster (minus any acquaintance with Goethe and Milton).  Not, of course, that the new soft porn-and-classic lit mashups are any less undead.  In any event, Roberts' brief novel--which, not incidentally, is a new work, not Dickens with zombies erupting at random intervals--parodies this trend instead of playing it straight.  As in many of the mashups, the often-digressive narrative traces how our hero, Ebenezer Scrooge, discovers his destiny (or Destiny) as a dreaded slayer of zombies.  At first, Ebenezer is convinced that the lesson he's supposed to learn is one of charity to all mankind: "'I have been a miser and a misanthrope--I have sealed myself away from human company.  But I shall do so no longer'" (62).  Except that, as it turns out, charity is precisely the last thing needful under the circumstances, given the true nature of his mission.  (Indeed, charity is also what gets the Cratchits yearning for brains.)  Instead, Scrooge must learn why he's the only human being immune to zombification, which also unlocks the secret of Ni Timh, or Tiny Tim, who is neither tiny nor in the habit of requesting God's blessing on everyone.  However, his crutch does make a useful tool for spiking zombies.

Roberts actually is a Victorianist, and the novel has good gory fun poking holes in nineteenth-century literary and cultural cliches.  Given that the only way to deal with meandering zombies is to do them in, the novel as a whole mocks Victorian calls for mutual sympathy and identification as the best means of pacifying the impoverished lower orders.  The entire narrative, after all, is about society quite literally eating itself; it's not for nothing that Marley pops in not as a ghost, but as a zombie out to nosh on Scrooge's brains.  No posthumous moralizing there.  (My students, who recently had to suffer through an excerpt from Past and Present, would probably cheer at Thomas Carlyle's decapitated head being toted down the street.)  Similarly, Scrooge's nephew Fred, who turns out to be a self-aggrandizing twit, is a mashup in his own right of Victorian conservatism in matters both political (he reads the zombies in terms of property-smashing radical mobs) and domestic ("'this, our home, is as good as a castle'" [60]).   For that matter, Scrooge's belief in his zombie-motivated redemption--"'this Zombie Catastrophe has been the making of me, as a man'" (96), he explains to a soon-to-be zombified Charles Dickens--seems more than a little callous, requiring as it does the extermination of a considerable proportion of the human race. 

Quite a bit of the humor comes from the galloping anachronisms and literary call-outs--beginning with the title, which pays homage to Richard Matheson's I Am Legend (which I know only in outline, but I Am Scrooge's basic plot does seem to be a Matheson/Dickens mashup--as the complaint about Will Smith in the preface suggests).  At various points, the novel lurches into steampunk and/or H. G. Wellsian science fiction (Wells, like Dickens, puts in an appearance). I was pleased to see that Roberts is about as irritated as I am with Jack the Ripper's omnipresence in neo-Victorian fiction: that gentleman not only appears (gussied up with several Jack the Ripper conspiracy theory details), but, more importantly, gets promptly chomped by a zombified "victim."  Of course, Jack shouldn't be wandering about in 1843, and neither should John Brown (the Queen's favorite Scot, not the abolitionist), but hey.  Alert readers will catch allusions to, among other things, The Pirates of Penzance, Dr. Who, Shakespeare (Christmas Past has a thing for cod-Shakespearean iambic pentameter), W. B. Yeats, The Wizard of Oz, Stephen Hawking, John Tenniel (the illustration of Queen Victoria comes from this caricature), Edward Lear, and quite a few others I'm sure I've missed here.  (The final explanations of what Christmas is really all about, by the way, sound suspiciously...academic, dare one say.)  Overall, a fine antidote to books like this. 

Inappropriate Disney Films: A Proposal in the Wake of a Certain Acquisition

As some of you may have noticed, Disney didn't just buy LucasFilm; it promised to make yet more Star Wars films.  (Not that there have been any SW films since Return of the Jedi, of course.)  Allow me to modestly propose that Disney has overlooked a back catalog of intellectual properties that could be easily adapted into animated films. 

1.  THE FILM: Bleak House.

THE PRINCESS: Esther Summerson.

HER PRINCE: Woodcourt.

MERCHANDISING OPPORTUNITY: "Little Jo" dolls, accessorized with a broom that has interchangeable bristles ("clean" bristles, "dirty" bristles).

DISNEYLAND ATTRACTION: The Skimpole Maypole (overlay of Dumbo the Flying Elephant). 

THE SCENARIO: After years of being mistreated by her Evil Guardian, young Esther is befriended by an affectionate talking bear named Jarndyce (song: "The Second Key on the Right"), who brings her to a mysterious castle known as Bleak House.  Bleak House, we soon learn, has long been under the spell of a Scary Witch named Chancery Court (song: "Grim Grinning Guineas").  Esther's warm and loving ways soon bring a new light to the castle--so much so that even the spiders decide to help her clean it (song: "Webbing While You Work").  Meanwhile, Jarndyce, in the guise of a performing bear, entices the young nobleman Woodcourt to the castle.  They all live happily ever after, except for...

DISNEY VILLAIN DEATH: ...Chancery Court, who falls backwards off the balcony after she is frightened by one of Esther's much-loved spiders.

2.  THE FILM: Wuthering Heights.

THE PRINCESS: Catherine Earnshaw (you know, the first one).

HER PRINCE: Heathcliff.

MERCHANDISING OPPORTUNITY: Stuffed bulldogs named Mo, accessorized with multiple collars (a spiked collar, a velvet bowtie, and so on).

DISNEYLAND ATTRACTION: Wuthering Heights dark ride, featuring cute creatures on the moors.  Lots of moors.  Pretty much all moors (replaces the Alice in Wonderland dark ride).

THE SCENARIO: After years of being mistreated by an Evil Orphanage Owner, young Heathcliff runs away and finds himself lost on the moors (song: "Step in Grime").  There, he is discovered by the mysterious young Catherine, who lives in a tumbledown farmhouse, Wuthering Heights, with only her pet mouse Nelly Dean for company (song: "Some Day She'll Drop a Crumb").  Heathcliff immediately falls in love with Catherine; however, he soon discovers that she is under a spell cast by the Scary Wizard Edgar Linton, who decided he wanted Catherine for himself after she was bitten by his pet bulldog Mo.  Now, Catherine can only think of Linton's money (song: "I've Got No Rings").  Luckily, Nelly Dean manages to befriend Mo, and they help Heathcliff find the anecdote to the spell.  They all live happily ever after, except for...

DISNEY VILLAIN DEATH: ...Edgar Linton, who falls backwards into a midden after being attacked by Nelly Dean.

3.  THE FILM: Dracula.

THE PRINCESS: Mina Harker.

HER PRINCE: Dracula (come on, it's trendy now, right?).

MERCHANDISING OPPORTUNITY: A line of "Sweet Blood Red" makeup products for little girls, all conveniently available at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique.

DISNEYLAND ATTRACTION: Seasonal Halloween overlay of the Haunted Mansion. 

THE SCENARIO: After years of being mistreated by an Evil Chiropterist, young Dracula escapes to England, where he has a series of comical misadventures involving his dietary habits (song: "Let It Flow, Let It Flow, Let It Flow").  Dracula finally resolves to leave his vampiric ways and become a vegetarian instead (song: "It's Not Easy Eating Green").  However, he soon attracts the attention of a Scary Lawyer, Jonathan Harker, whose beautiful wife, Mina, is under a terrible spell: she cannot eat anything except paprikash prepared by Jonathan's pet dormouse, Hubert G. Thremnodikins III.  Dracula immediately falls in love with Mina, and realizing that Jonathan was the one who cast the spell, he seeks to liberate her with the help of a friendly talking elephant, Van Hulking ("Hi Diddle Dee Dee, Who's Got a Stake for Me").  Together, Dracula and Van Hulking persuade HGT III to put garlic into the paprikash, which breaks the spell.   They all live happily ever after, except for...

DISNEY VILLAIN DEATH: Jonathan Harker, who falls backwards into the Thames after Van Hulking threatens to sit on him.

4.  THE FILM: Jude the Obscure.

THE PRINCESS: Sue Bridehead.

HER PRINCE: Jude Fawley.

MERCHANDISING OPPORTUNITY: Little Father Time wristwatches.

DISNEYLAND ATTRACTION: Stones of Venice Tower of Terror (renamed version of the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror). 

THE SCENARIO: After years of being mistreated by an Evil Renovator, Jude Fawley runs away to build circus tents.  However, he soon becomes fascinated by a beautiful young woman, Sue Bridehead, who is absolutely not his cousin.  Sue makes magical paintings that predict the future (song: "Who's Been Painting My Future Sched?"), and one day sees a Scary Architect (known only as Camden Society) trap Jude in a ruined building.  Fearing for Jude's safety, Sue and her best friend, a cuddly owl named Little Father Time, seek out the Scary Architect (song: "The Flying Buttresses Song").  Together, they manage to avert Camden Society's plot and bring Jude home,  making Sue Bridehead a feminist action princess^TM.  They all live happily ever after, except for...

DISNEY VILLAIN DEATH: ...Camden Society, who falls backwards off a gargoyle after being spooked by Little Father Time.

5.  THE FILM:  Dubliners.

THE PRINCESS: N/A.

THE PRINCE: N/A.

MERCHANDISING OPPORTUNITY: "The Dead" snowglobes, featuring Mickey Mouse (as Gabriel Conroy) and Minnie Mouse (as Gretta Conroy) in cheerful Christmas costumes.

DISNEYLAND ATTRACTION: New costumes for the relevant meet-and-greet cartoon characters.

THE SCENARIO: Billed as "Fantasia for the twenty-first century," Dubliners combines classic hand-drawn Disney animation, the 3D experience, and atmospheric music by Elton John.   Beloved Disney characters like Goofy, Donald Duck, the Mad Hatter, and, of course, Mickey and Minnie romp through musical settings of James Joyce's short stories.  Notable episodes include "Eveline" (Ariel the mermaid finds a prince, escapes the sea, and lives happily ever after), "The Boarding House" (Daisy Duck's mother  introduces her to a fine young goose, and they live  happily ever after), "A Painful Case" (Scrooge McDuck meets a lonely Cinderella, discovers the meaning of friendship, and lives happily ever after), and, of course, "The Dead" (Mickey and Minnie Mouse go to a party, sing Christmas carols in the snow, and live happily ever after).

DISNEY VILLAIN DEATH: None.  There is nothing downbeat whatsoever about this film. 

Future titles for Clandestine Classics: A modest proposal

Perhaps I was unfair to the Clandestine Classics version of Jane Eyre--too critical, too harsh, too mean in my appraisal.  In the spirit of charity, I hereby offer some suggestions for their future catalog.*

1) Fifty Shades of Agnes Grey: This tale of a prim young governess reveals the hidden subplot of her escapades with a series of dominating male employers, until she finally discovers true love with a handsome young clergyman.  But he has dark secrets of his own (including a strange obsession with epsom salts), which, once revealed, force them to assume new identities and escape to London.  Hence the sequel...

2) Fifty Shades of Dorian Gray:  Years later, after a series of mishaps and newly-invented labyrinthine plot points, Agnes' son Dorian wishes for eternal youth--and good times.  Modern readers can't help wondering what, exactly, Dorian was getting up to with all those lissome young ladies.  The answer involves submission, allusions to "sex gods," and, for some reason, sparkly vampires.  But when Dorian discovers his own secret urgings, including an intense passion for ricotta cheese, he's set on a collision course with his own portrait. 

3) Varney the Vamp: New and improved version of the original classic literary monument crown jewel of Victorian culture (look, it's old, OK? Work with me on this), Varney the Vampire.  Readers have always suspected that all the bloodsucking had to be a metaphor for something a little more exotic.  Additional scenes reveal a hitherto-unknown Victorian subculture of vampire fetishists, indulging their hot-blooded  tendencies at the dead of night.  You might have thought that Flora's "anguish" at the sight of "a man staggering into the room bleeding, and bearing the marks of a bloody contest, and sinking at her feet" was unhappiness--but no...

4) A Male of Two Cities: Just how did Sydney Carton manage to comfort himself after Lucie Manette married Charles Darnay? The hitherto-suppressed answer involves blondes, romantic courtroom scenes, the occasional grave-robbing, and, of course, a guillotine--although not necessarily in that order.

5) Great Consummations: Dickens neglected to describe how Pip's benefactor provided for his dear boy's gentlemanly education in other, shall we say, refinements.  For the first time, find out just when and where Pip and Herbert Pocket got themselves into debt...

6) Sylvia's Lovers: This version of Gaskell's classic historical novel, set during the French Revolution, fleshes out (ahem) the novel's love triangle with over one hundred pages of intense material.  Readers will be intrigued to discover that Philip was nowhere near so uninteresting as he seemed at first glance--but they'll be even more interested in what he and Kinraid were really doing overseas.

7) Prude the Obscure: Just how did Jude overcome his late-Victorian taboos? Let's just say some previously-unheard of doings at Oxford helped him along.  Readers will be particularly intrigued by the sensual undertones of our co-author's descriptions of church restoration.  Oh, those ogees...

*--NOT REALLY.  PLEASE NO. 

The Syllabus of the (Very Far) Future

[I was thinking about the syllabi for a couple of new preps that I'm teaching next year, when all of a sudden, my mind was taken over by an energy being...from the future! And this is what I wrote instead...]

INTRODUCTION TO THE TRANSGLOBAL NOVEL I: FROM DANIEL DEFOE TO T’PETH

INSTRUCTOR: Dr. Lil Prawf

OFFICE HOURS: In-person hours MWF 1:00-2:00; online hours M 3:30-5:30; telepathic hours W 3:30-5:30.   No telepathic contact outside of those hours, please.

ROOM: 109B Sarek Hall. 

FEED: You can access the intergalactic feed for this course at channel X333921.  If you have technical difficulties, please ping IT, not the instructor.

COURSE DESCRIPTION: There is a fierce debate in literary studies about whether or not long prose works from non-Terran cultures can be analyzed according to the same criteria as the Terran “novel.”  (What can scholars of the genre do, for example, with the Cardassian novel, with its refusal of suspense and its outright embrace of what---to Terrans—seems to be boring repetition?)  This semester will introduce students to novelistic genres from a variety of galactic cultures, reading them through the lens of what the Vulcan literary theorist Simalak calls zh’layan, or “transglobal interdiscursive nodes of narrative contact.”  Readings from Terran, Vulcan, Klingon, Andorian, and Cardassian texts.  One holodeck simulation, two papers, exams, interpretive dance quizzes.  Fulfills the Early Transglobal Literatures to 2000 requirement.  Prerequisite: Introduction to Literary and Three-Dimensional Media Analysis. 

REQUIRED TEXTS:

• Simalak, The Theory of Transglobal Literatures: New Postgalactic Approaches, trans. Y. Ru Reedingthis (Luna UP, 2371)
• B’Spaq, The Errors, trans. Alexander Rozhenko (Harvard U at Qo’NoS  P, 2385)
• Ch’rae Aran Zh’faiane, How Blue Were My Hills, Standard ed. (U of Chicago P—Global Literatures Division, 2362)
• Daniel Defoe, Robinson Crusoe, 238^th ed. (Oxford Milky Way Classics, 2380)
• Marek, The Saga of Burnt Gul, trans. Chris Cross (New Horizons in Cardassian Literature, 2382)
• T’Peth, Look Skyward Lematya, Standard ed. (The Library of Vulcan Classics, 2371)

IMPORTANT NOTE:

It has come to my attention that students have been using codex editions of the texts instead of the standard digital editions.  In addition to being impractical and bulky, codices are more likely to contain errors that cannot be corrected within the university’s mandatory timeframe (at least one day after notification).  Moreover, codices are considered an Optional Expense under the university’s Credit Allowance Code (see Handbook of Student Policies, section 993.Z), and therefore use credits that you could otherwise put toward spring break trips to Risa.  In general, it is much easier for all concerned if you come to class with your digital editions loaded on your PADDs.

ASSIGNMENTS:

• Two papers: 50 points each
• Holodeck simulation: 25 points
• Midterm exam (take-home): 100 points
• Final exam: 150 points
• Interpretive dance quizzes: up to 50 points
• Message board participation: 10 points
• In-class participation: 10 points

NOTE: There is no extra credit available for this course under any circumstances.   Late work is not permitted; please contact the Department of Temporal Investigations if you need to use a rift in the space-time continuum and/or the Guardian of Forever in order to submit work on time.   Interpretive dance quizzes must be performed on the day assigned, but may be transmitted via holographic feed, if necessary.   

IMPORTANT NOTE IN RE: HOLODECK SIMULATIONS: Please make sure that your holodeck simulations do not result in property damage, holograms running amok, and/or the deaths of fellow students.  You will be docked at least fifty points in the event of any serious injuries.  For examples of what to avoid, I suggest that you consult the recently-declassified Enterprise NCC-1701-D archives, especially those under the heading of “Moriarty.”

CONTACT POLICY: I answer all e-mails within twenty-four standard hours on weekdays, and forty-eight standard hours on weekends.  Off-planet students should check their galactic calendars and plan accordingly.  Do not send me repeated e-mails asking why I have not responded; do not send me e-mails demanding responses before the twenty-four hour mark; do not send me e-mails asking if I have received your e-mails. 

Telepathic and empathic students should not contact me via psi methods outside of stated office hours.  Please recollect that Terrans do not normally communicate in this manner, and do not appreciate receiving random bursts of rage about grades whilst in the middle of baking cookies, driving holocars, or sleeping.

PAPER SUBMISSIONS:  All papers must be written in Standard and uploaded to the appropriate dropbox at the stipulated time.  It is your responsibility to see that your paper is correctly formatted in Milky Way Galaxy Language Association style (93^rd ed.); if you don’t know the current guidelines, please use one of the citation generators available on the library homepage.  Remember, late work is not allowed.  “The sehlat ate my PADD” is not an excuse, nor is “I lost all of my books in a transporter malfunction.”

POLICIES ON ACADEMIC INTEGRITY: As per the Handbook of Student Policies (section 19,301), the following constitute a breach of the university’s regulations on academic integrity:

• Plagiarism (including self-plagiarism)
• Copying another student’s examination
• Using psi methods to obtain answers for examinations
• Using telepathic projections in order to distract an examination proctor
• Using pheromones to manipulate or distract instructors, administrators, or fellow students
• Engaging in any other form of mind control that interferes with academic integrity
• Teleporting into an instructor’s office to steal examinations
• Engineering transporter breakdowns in order to interfere with an examination session
• Programming holographic doubles and other AIs to produce coursework
• Using replicators to generate “original” creative works

Any violation of university policy will result in an automatic “F” in the course. 

ELECTRONIC DEVICES: Students are required to bring PADDs to class.  Communicators should be set to vibrate or turned off entirely; any beeping communicators will be confiscated immediately.  Holovideo recording requires instructor’s permission.  Unauthorized postings of any holovideos to the InterGalacTicTubes will result in a lawsuit, so don’t even think about it.

WEAPONRY: Due to several unfortunate incidents, Klingons and Romulans are politely requested to leave all knives, swords, axes, and similar gear at home.  Active Starfleet personnel are permitted to bring one regulation phaser with them, but it must be turned off at all times.  Using a phaser on an instructor or fellow student is grounds for immediate expulsion (see Handbook of Student Policies, section 1A.)

POLICY ON EXCUSED ABSENCES: Attendance is mandatory for students registered for onsite instruction.  However, students are allowed an unlimited number of excused absences.   Acceptable excuses include personal or family illness, religious holidays, transporter malfunctions, Borg attacks, unexpected aging and/or regression to childhood, temporary mind and/or body swaps, pon farr, encounters with members of the Q Continuum, being trapped on the other side of a wormhole and/or in an alternate universe, and injuries related to holodeck malfunction. 

 

 

 

Next year's classes

As I know my readers often appreciate a glimpse at what I'm teaching, let me offer this preview of next year's exciting lineup.

• Write Your Own Adventure: A Student-Centered Learning Experience.  Bored with reading stuffy old Victorian novels? Can't bear the sight of one more Shakespeare play? This class is for you! Students will develop syllabi keyed to their own interests, craft their own assignments, and even handle their own grading.  The instructor will drop in now and again to convey priceless pearls of wisdom.  No requirements unless you want to have requirements! No reading unless you want to have reading! And, of course, no exams unless you...you get the idea.  Fulfills any distribution requirement you feel like having it fulfill.
• I'll Bring Popcorn: Best Strategies for Internet Flame Wars.  Many students feel that college composition courses don't have adequate real-world applications.  In this class, we'll focus on developing your skills in three key areas: invective, outrage, and name-calling.  But with grammar.  Over the course of the semester, students will participate in at least six online mudslinging events, preferably on subjects about which they have chosen to remain ignorant.  Points will be deducted for signs of rational thought, charity, or sense of proportion.  This course is a prerequisite for Advanced Astroturfing.
• Relatable Literature.  This course is devoted to fiction to which students can relate.  All assigned texts will accurately reflect the one true undergraduate experience.  There will be nothing strange, untoward, bizarre, or otherwise unreflective of the one true undergraduate experience.  I guarantee that students will be able to completely identify with all events, characters, and ideas in each and every text.  Assignments will include the complete works of Dan Brown and Stephenie Meyer.  By the end of the semester, students will complete a quantitative research project gauging the precise relatability of each work.
• The Victorian Cosplay Experience.    In this class, we will remedy the paucity of opportunities for students to display their skills in cobbling, dressmaking, and haberdashery.  Instead of close reading, students will analyze novels by Carroll, Dickens, and Braddon, among others, by building costumes based on the texts and then staging elaborate set pieces for their fellow students.  This is your opportunity to have a Mad Tea Party, die a terribly sentimental death, or drop someone down a well.  (In a classroom.  And not for real.  No lawsuits, please.)  Patterns available on request.
• The Great Novels of Edward Bulwer-Lytton.  An ideal class for students who need three credits of coursework, but don't have the time to do any reading.  Seriously, have you looked at the title? 

Things I have learned about college lecturing from watching CSI

• To achieve the best dramatic effects, lecture with only minimal lighting, leaving the students with no way to see their notes.  If at all possible, arrange for your own personal spotlight.  
• Dust motes are necessary for atmosphere; request that the custodians refrain from vacuuming, mopping, or otherwise cleaning the room.
• Be sure to have a REALLY BIG SCREEN on which to display your exciting multimedia illustrations.
• Your students will, of course, have the kind of comfortable seats one expects in movie theaters. 
• Notes on the chalkboard should be arranged with a Michelangelo-esque attention to aesthetics. 
• Deliver your lectures with the same degree of seriousness that you would use to declare the onset of World War III.
• Rest assured that students will be absolutely spellbound by your performance.  They will not text, doodle, giggle, gossip, or snooze.  In fact, many of them will nod and sigh in awe of your incredible profundity, whether or not you have actually said anything worth remembering. 
• All of your students will be tastefully dressed in the latest preppy fashions.  For some reason, they will also appear to be in their late twenties or early thirties, even though they are really only eighteen.

Reasons Why Stats Peak on Wednesdays

Ever since the dawn of time--or, at least, since the dawn of this blog--the stats have always peaked on Wednesdays.  I have some theories:

1.  Unexpected influence of Odin on academic blog readers.

2.  At midweek, academics are desperate enough that they need to read blogs, but not yet desperate enough to drop everything and head for the bars.

3.  A general sense of woe?

4.  Because it's the middle of the week, everyone feels perched on a peak of perilous equilibrium.  Therefore, they read blogs in order to tip themselves over, one way or the other.

5.  Everyone is procrastinating on Thursday and Friday course prep.

6.  Some kind of Foucauldian distribution of power-knowledge.

7.  Academics realizing that they have scheduled all of their students' papers to arrive, once again, on Wednesday; they turn to blog reading as solace.

8.  The expectation that I will be unusually brilliant on Wednesday? (As opposed to dull the other days?)

9.  Manifesting the ineluctable power of centrism.

10.  The ongoing war between superego, id, and ego resulting in a stalemate that leaves the reader no other mode of intellectual activity than reading blogs.  On Wednesdays.