Scholars & Students: A Compendium of Professorial Magic

(Excerpted from Scholars & Students: The Academic Role-Playing Game.)

0-LEVEL PROFESSORIAL SPELLS

• RENDER LEGIBLE.  When cast on bluebooks, turns illegible cursive legible.  Professors will be able to read illegible cursive written in pencil with a DC 12 Interpreter check.
• STAPLE.  Reminds Students to use the stapler in the department office before handing in papers.  May be blocked if multiple Professors utilize the spell within +2 hours of each other.
• DETECT BOREDOM.  Allows Professors to pinpoint daydreaming Students.  Professors at 0-Level can only Detect Boredom in students with two hit dice or less.
• CAUSE PARTICIPATION.  Provokes silent students into contributing to classroom discussion.  Eliciting intelligent classroom discussion, however, requires a DC 10 Course Management check; DC 9 or less may produce random comments or out-of-place queries.  Add 2 to the die roll for students with 3 hit dice or more; add 1 for each Professorial level over three.
• RECONCILE PAGES.  Allows Professors faced with a class of students using multiple editions of the same text to identify the correct page numbers for each edition.  If Students are using a text downloaded from the Internet, the Professor must perform a DC 16 Collation check.

1st-LEVEL PROFESSORIAL SPELLS

• CAUSE STUDYING.  +3 to Student Concentration and Reading rolls.  May be blocked if cast on Friday nights, at the end of finals week, during Homecoming Week, or before Thanksgiving.
• CANCEL MEETINGS.  Professors at Level One may cancel department meetings only.  (See Appendix 253 for a full list of levels and corresponding meetings.)  This spell may be countered by another Professor's Spell of Urgency, and will always be blocked by a Department Chair's Reminder of Contractual Obligations.
• ACCEPT GRADES.  -2 to Students' Argument rolls.  However, Students with 3 hit dice or more may retaliate with a Spell of Grievance  (-3 to Professors' Endurance rolls).
• MAGIC PEN.  Increases grading speeds by a factor of at least two.
• SUMMON SENIOR COLLEAGUE.  Professors attacked by Red Tape (q.v.) or under a Spell of Bewilderment may conjure up a tenured colleague for assistance.  For correct information, perform a DC 12 Bureaucracy check.

2nd-LEVEL PROFESSORIAL SPELLS

• CHARM CLASS.  +3 to Professor's Charisma.  If the spell is cast while returning graded exams or papers, Students receive +5 bonus to Resistance. 
• DETECT PLAGIARISM.  All instances of plagiarism will be highlighted; recommended for use in conjunction with Accept Grades. If a paper has been plagiarized using books instead of Google, however, perform a DC 14 Professorial Dedication check.
• MAGIC MEMO.  Automatically generates memoranda addressed to colleagues, administrators, etc.  Perform a DC 10 Spellcheck check before mailing.
• SPILL RED INK.  Instantly identifies all grammatical errors in student papers.  If Students have 2 hit dice or less, then Professors automatically take -10 in Charisma rolls for a minimum of 2 rounds; if 3 hit dice or more, then -5 in Charisma. 
• DESTROY CELL PHONES.  Fries circuitry in all cell phones within a 10 ft. radius.  Professor must perform a DC 16 Electronics check if his or her own phone is in spell range.

3rd-LEVEL PROFESSORIAL SPELLS

• DECODE TEXT.  Translates all e-mails written as text messages into recognizable English.  May be cast only once per day.
• CHOCOLATE EFFECT.  +5 to Professors' Charisma rolls; -3 to Students' Resistance rolls.  Best used while handing out evaluations.
• SUMMON DEAN.  Professors under a Spell of Grievance may rescue themselves by Summoning a Dean.  +3 to all Professors' Intelligence, Charisma, and Resistance rolls with a DC 15 Administrative check.
• HAND OF TECHNOLOGY.  Enables Professors to operate electronic equipment, including DVD players, Smart Carts, and projectors.  Lasts for one class period.
• SPEAK POP.  Temporarily grants Professors knowledge of contemporary music, television, film, and video games.  The Professor must perform a DC 13 Poseur check each time he or she makes an allusion; failure results in -8 Charisma rolls, plus +10 to Students' Resistance rolls. 

(Thanks to the D&D Wiki for helping me brush up on my very rusty D&D lingo.)

Comments

[eweininger]

Addendum to 1-st Level Spells:

Note that CAUSE STUDYING is ineffective on 4/19 and 4/21. Moreover, its effects are wholly inverted on 4/20 (-3 to Student Concentration and Reading).

[Russell Arben Fox]

But this is all Third Edition! What about us all-lecture Luddites who have resisted the appeal of Wizards of the Coast, and continue to roll our saving throws the way Gary Gygax and TSR wanted us to? I suppose I'll just have to keep casting my good old reliable Instill Fear spell and hope for the best.

[Jonathan Dresner]

I'm holding out for the "Shield of Tenure" spell, which is permanent and effective against all academic monsters, and most political ones.

[SteveG]

I'd wish for "reflective consciousness" -- allows students to directly experience how their bs essay answers and bad excuses for extensions will really be received.

[Wol]

That is fantastic! I've always wanted to come up with a Gygaxian take on an RPG where the ultimate goal is tenure.

[Sherman Dorn]

Thank you! I needed this today...

[delagar]

I want Hand of Technology! So far all I have is a Technology Elf, who is always hiding in some cpmputer cave somewhere...

[Sietse Brouwer]

Quality!

I know many of my profs would crave this set of spells. (Not that they don't command a healthy subset.)

As for SPILL RED INK --- let's just say it's all too aptly named.

It reminds me of another piece I recently read: an account of grading undergraduate essays, written in the style of interactive fiction / text adventures.

http://eye-of-a-cat.livejournal.com/176383.html

Now, I ought to go and cast CAUSE STUDYING on myself.

Lovely piece. I'm still grinning.

Regards,

Sietse
Sietse Brouwer

[Lee]

This is great! I want to see the whole manual now...

[Emily]

Brilliant.

[styleygeek]

You just made my day.

The only problem, of course, is that some of us don't sleep often enough to regenerate used spells before we have to teach or grade again...

[a very public sociologist]

Tres funnee

[Mason Porter]

How about the 9th level spells of "Summon Greater Tenure." Also, I think we should transplant "Teleport Without Error" and some of the Bigby spells directly from D & D with little or no changes.

[dr. dave]

that is really, really nerdy.

(love it!)

[Bardiac]

Thank goodness I still have my ten-sided dice!!!

I'm in need of a summon grading gnome spell, though. What level was that again?

[Another Damned Medievalist]

soooo funny!

[flip]

Brilliant. Gonna go get my D20 out to help me decide on which journal to submit my latest paper to.

[raincoaster]

C'mon now: does anyone really think professors would use a "Detect Boredom" spell? They'd get the answer they don't want far too much of the time. Don't ask, don't roll.

[intertext]

Oh, that's wonderful! I want "detect plagiarism" and "destroy cell phones" ... now!

[Davis X. Machina]

A student whose parents were house-hunting at the same time I was co-wrote a Mortgage Quest thingy along similar lines.

Regrettably everyone in the real estate racket was either Chaotic Evil, or Lawful Evil...

[Michael H]

What about the 2nd lvl spell "Banish latecomers" for evil aligned professors.
Only works if the student fails a DC14 sneak check or he doesnt have the "Greater excuse" ability.

[Rich Puchalsky]

Funny. The next addition could be the equivalent of that AD&D chart of the minions who gather when you make a particular level. Each level of tenure gives you so many dissertation-writing grad students, grading gnome TAs, etc.

[the boxing octopus]

so true to life as to be painful.

[Tim Lacy]

I wonder if this will result in a new TSR role-playing game?! Good stuff. - TL

[Pilgrim/Heretic]

Oh dear gods this is funny.

[john_m_burt]

If we're going to include the Bigby's spells, then we should also include Grettinski's Plinking Finger: a disembodied hand appears directly behind the target's head, middle finger curled back and restrained by the thumb, and is then released, doing 1d3 Stun damage.

Note: It is unwise to use Grettinski's Plinking Finger when playing Tabletop Football, lest you put an eye out with that triangular wad of paper.

[Just another liberal professor]

"I'm in need of a summon grading gnome spell, though. What level was that again?"

I believe there is a Summon Grader spell (and a Summon Greater Grader spell, not to be confused with the domestic Summon Greater Grater). However, any grader summoning spells have a gold piece cost (and/or a material component, depending on your edition of D&D).

[nick]

Adorno says something somewhere about recreation in modernity as the extension of labor...

[The Constructivist]

Hmm, is this going to make your personal favorites list? B/c it's made mine. Thanks!

[Roger]

You might be interested in a game studies blog's discussion of D&D from a while back.

[TM]

Brilliant. Brava!

[Konrad]

Catching up on several months of your wonderful weblog. This is absolutely brilliant. After reading this posting I actually went hunting for the role-playing game in question!

[Asakiyume]

Oh, please, please **publish** this book. I would buy multiple copies for friends and family. It's a riot.