Stardate 2378: A Starfleet Captain challenges a final grade

EDITOR'S NOTE.  I obtained the following e-mail exchange from Professor O. Notagain, who teaches intergalactic literature of the early modern period (nineteenth to twenty-first centuries) at the Global University of Terra, College of the United States.  Prof. Notagain and I agreed that this exchange brilliantly illuminated all the wrong tactics for convincing a professor to change a final grade, and therefore deserved preservation in a more permanent--and public--form.  Admittedly, there are times when Prof. Notagain herself appears in a somewhat imperfect light. 

All italicized and bracketed notes are the work of Prof. Notagain; strike-throughs indicate material deleted from the final drafts.  For convenience, we have eliminated the full e-mail headers. 

***

FROM: Captain Solok, CO, USS T'kumbra

TO: Professor O. Notagain

RE: My final grade in Early Modern Novel I: Jane Austen to S'krr'La'Men

I received my grade of "C" at 17:03:21 this evening.  This grade is highly unsatisfactory; my calculations indicate that the grading rubric must have been improperly formulated.  The correct grade is "A."

FROM: Professor O. Notagain

TO: Captain Solok

RE: Your final grade

Thank you for double-checking my scoring system.  However, a quick review of my grade book indicates that you received a "B" on the first paper, a "C" on the midterm, a "C" on the final, a "C-" on the second paper, and...oh dear, you missed all of the quizzes.  Under the circumstances, given that you received what amounts to an "F" on an assignment worth a total of one hundred points, I cannot justify raising your grade to an "A."

FROM: Captain Solok

TO: Professor O. Notagain

RE: Quizzes

The quizzes were suitable for humans and other species lacking eidetic memories.  Requiring a Vulcan to take such a quiz is illogical.  Under the circumstances, penalizing me for devoting my time to more constructive pursuits reflects a certain...small-mindedness, inappropriate in an instructor of intergalactic literature.

[Before answering this e-mail, Prof. Notagain visits CuddlyAndorianCreatures.com and coos over the baby Andorian bunny rabbits.]

FROM: Professor O. Notagain

TO: Captain Solok

RE: The presence of snowflakes on Vulcan

The quizzes did not test memory, eidetic or otherwise; they tested whether or not you had read the material.  Had you taken the quizzes, you would have received a perfect score, no doubt, and thus received a higher grade in the course.  As you didn't take the quizzes, however, I couldn't award you points for non-existent work.  I'm just small-minded that way. 

FROM: Captain Solok

TO: Professor O. Notagain

RE: Grading procedures, plus climate conditions on Vulcan

Let us say that I concede to your intransigence on the matter of the quizzes.  Nevertheless, you, in turn, must admit that your comments on my papers were most imprecise--hardly sufficient to justify such inappropriate and, indeed, approximate evaluations of my work.  I will remind you that I am a published author; in fact, my work has appeared in the three most prestigious journals in the field of psychology (The Vulcan Journal of Comparative Psychology; Orion Studies in Humanoid Psychology; Telepathy Quarterly).  You, by contrast, are a junior scholar, with no such accomplishments to boast.

As you must be aware, Vulcan experiences rain only once every 2.2673 years.  We do not have snow, let alone individual snowflakes.

[Before answering this e-mail, Prof. Notagain drinks a glass of Romulan ale, then alphabetizes her print-outs from the IG-LIT newsfeed.]

FROM: Professor O. Notagain

TO: Captain Solok

RE: Learned commentary

Let me look again at your essays and exams.  Here are some of my comments:

1.  "Does a wrestling match from over two decades ago effectively introduce an essay comparing-and-contrasting Charles Dickens' Bleak House to K'brok's Look Homeward, Klingon?  Try to find a 'hook' drawn from the novels under discussion."

2.  "Could you explain how Eliza Reed is the real heroine of Jane Eyre? I don't see this argument justified by the text."

3.  "You've used 'indeed' as a transition at least eight times; what would be a more appropriate word?"

4.  "Given that Srao's The Man with One Antenna repeatedly celebrates its heroine's love for Shrail, how did you conclude that the novel criticizes the effects of 'irrational affective attachments'?" 

I'd be glad to explain these or any other comments.  especially since you seem incapable of reading basic Standard.  What seems "imprecise" to you?

Also.  Those psych essays? My colleague over in the psych dept. tells me that they haven't registered a single blip on the Mental Sciences Citation Index.  So take your "prestigious journals" and situate them forcefully in an anatomical location where the Vulcan sun's radiation fails to penetrate.

FROM: Captain Solok

TO: Professor O. Notagain

RE: On writing comments suitable for a scholar of my standing

To begin with, all of these marginal notations are phrased as questions.  As you clearly know none of the answers, I cannot grant you any authority on these matters.

Now, as for these "comments"  (I believe that these are what humans call "scare quotes"):

1.  If you had progressed beyond Intro to Psych 101, you would be capable of grasping just how illuminating my introduction was.  The wrestling match illustrates how human beings, under the influence of rampant emotionalism (not to mention what, I am told, was three steins of Warp Ten Light Beer), fail to calculate the probable outcomes of their actions--specifically, challenging a Vulcan to a wrestling match.  Such emotional excess disfigures all of the characters in both novels.

2.  Only a human unfamiliar with the importance of organization would fail to see that Eliza, alone of all the novel's characters, truly perceives the need for logical order in every aspect of life.  (Incidentallly, the hologram I viewed of your office indicates that you require considerable instruction in the art of filing.  Perhaps you would allow me to suggest twelve useful strategies?)

3.  I gather that you were bored by my use of "indeed."  Vulcans, however, are incapable of boredom, and therefore do not ask for such purposeless verbal variations. 

4.  It is clear to me that the novel's tragic ending demonstrates that love is an undesirable emotion.  If I were capable of being surprised and grieved, I would be surprised and grieved that you were unable to comprehend the novel on such an obvious literal level.

Under the circumstances, justice demands that all of my work be reassessed by a more...competent member of your department.  For example, your chair, Prof. Sevek.

[Before answering this e-mail, Prof. Notagain programs the automatic house cleaner, supervises the robot lawn mower, repaints the living room, and drinks a Risan martini.]

FROM: Prof. O. Notagain

TO: Captain Solok

CC: Prof. Sevek

RE: I bow to your superiority in this matter

By all means, ask Sevek to assess your work.  I am crushed by your revelations about my intellectual abilities, so much so that I tremble in terror at the thought of entering a classroom.   Never again will I seek to convince a Vulcan that his interpretation of a text is wildly wrong by any standard known to sentient life in the galaxy.  Nor will I dare to suggest that any Vulcan has failed to master basic prose style.  I shall spend the rest of the evening sobbing into my drink celebrating the fact that I've just handed you over to my Vulcan department chair, who will turn you into dinner for his pet sehlat.

FROM: Prof. Sevek

TO: Prof. O. Notagain

RE: To quote a wise android from twentieth-century Terran cinema, "Oh, dear"

As you predicted during our 20.12 minute conference in my office, Captain Solok took your e-mail seriously ("It is rare to encounter a human who can be convinced of her relative intellectual incapacity").  Despite apparent evidence to the contrary, most Vulcans do understand sarcasm.  If pressed, we will even admit to feeling amused.  On occasion.  (Do not tell anyone else in the department I wrote that.)  

I shall dispatch my assessment of Solok's performance within 2.3 hours.

FROM: Prof. Sevek

TO: Captain Solok

CC: Prof. O. Notagain

RE: Your final grade in Prof. O. Notagain's Early Modern Novel I: Jane Austen to S'krr'La'Men

As per your request, I have reassessed your work.  I must agree with your account of Prof. Notagain's grading procedures: they show a regrettable lack of precision.  By which I mean that she indulges in a peculiarly human trait--namely, being charitable. 

I, however, am not given to charitable grading.  As a fellow Vulcan, you will have no difficulty understanding this.

Therefore, with Prof. Notagain's permission, I have lowered your grade to a "D." 

Live long and prosper,

Sevek

***

ADDENDUM.  Six weeks later, Prof. O. Notagain found that Captain Solok used her "intransigence" as an example of the average human's unwillingness to "properly assess Vulcan skill levels in upper-level academic coursework."   This  prompted her to rename her blog "The Intransigent Professor"--with a proud link to Solok's essay in the "About" section. 

[No actual students were harmed in the making of this post.]

Comments

[Janice]

This? Is pure genius and worth chortling over stardate after stardate!

[Jeremy Boggs]

If you use the Kobayashi Maru scenario in class, you should be on your toes.

[Heather]

I love this!! Oh god - so funny.

[Patricia]

I'm not a Star Trek fan but did spend most of my life as a college instructor, so I've encountered many grade complaint e-mails. I doubt I would have had Professor Notagain's tolerance. This is a delight!

[nicole]

I'm late on this, but very funny!

Only a human unfamiliar with the importance of organization would fail to see that Eliza, alone of all the novel's characters, truly perceives the need for logical order in every aspect of life.

I too loved Eliza Reed. And I love Vulcans! (And by "love" I mean "appreciate the good qualities of.")